Written by Gail Farrelly
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Tuesday, 25 January 2011

image for Obama's State of the Union Speech: Secret Access to What's EXCLUDED
Hail to the Chief, unless he doesn't say what they write.

If you think that the U. S. President writes his own State of the Union speech each year, think again.

Dozens of speechwriters have been toiling away for weeks at the White House, writing the phrases that will emerge from the Chief Executive's mouth.

Spoof reporter Gail Farrelly was able to sneak into the White House and search through the wastepaper basket in the Oval Office, retrieving the speechwriter words that were rejected by President Obama. Here are some of the suggested texts for the speech that were rejected:

-- I am thrilled to report that this morning I discovered a long lost step-sister. I won't share all the details right now. But I'll tell you this much. Her first name is Oprah.

-- If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're not happy, clap anyway. You're my guests, for Pete's sake.

-- Did you hear the one about the rabbi, the priest, and the minister? You did? Good, because I'm not repeating it, since it doesn't include an imam.

-- At the end of my speech I hope you will hold hands with the person on your left and the person on your right. Then swing your arms up and down and chant, "Yes, we can."

-- Michelle has asked me to remind you of her anti-obesity crusade. Try her delicious low-fat cumquat tarts on your way out. Fatties should limit themselves to one tart.

A presidential spokesman denies that "rejected" speechwriters will be disrupting Obama's speech. The cartons of soft tomatoes the group has been collecting will be used to make a special White House tomato sauce. "They are being saved for no other purpose," he claimed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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