Written by Tawdry Soup
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Topics: Crime, Guns

Sunday, 23 January 2011

image for Fighting Crime the NRA Way
I'm only doing this out of kindness Ma'am

In what can only be described as an "Aha Moment," the NRA has established an airtight argument in favor of eliminating gun control laws. Accompanied by a barrage of statistical data, NRA Head Honcho, Mark Primer, spoke with Tawdry Soup at NRA headquarters, where he provided a clear illustration of how increased gun violence is a positive thing for any country bent on controlling crime.

"Statistics show that since 1962 at least one million Americans were killed by gun violence, or around 80 People per day," explained Primer. "Now let's break that down. Out of those one million people, statistics show that four percent, or 40,000 of those people, were potential pedophiles, 10,000 would have had an abortion, another 30,000 would have shoplifted, 350,000 would have used illegal drugs, and get this: every one of those one million people killed in gun violence would probably kill the person who killed them, if they had a chance. Now, right there you saved one million lives. So it goes to show the amount of crime prevented by allowing more people to carry guns is staggering."

As a light bulb flickered over Tawdry Soup's head, Primer finished his argument with this: "The kicker is the overwhelming majority of the murder victims were liberal. And they are the ones always screaming for more gun control!"

"Those crazy liberals," laughed Primer. He picked up a picture of his gun god, Charlton Heston, kissed it, looked up at the ceiling, mumbled a silent prayer, and then cocked his head to one side while looking intensely through one eye at Tawdry Soup.

After two seconds of awkward silence, Primer dropped the hammer, "This interview was over two minutes ago."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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