White Plains, New York---Enemies of Hillary Clinton, who appear to be legion, spurred on by the bold and forthright challenge by Jeanine Pirro, the fearless and daring Westchester County District Attorney, have encouraged Alfred E. Neumann, the victim of jokes and political harassment by assorted people and forces over which he has no control, to make a speech, not about the usual meaningless nonsense he usually handles, but about Hillary Clinton, who he now labels the archenemy, oppressor of small people and devil incarnate.
"First of all, she has the nerve to be in a constant race for President, usurping one of my biggest claims to fame," he says. "Apparently, the Senate is not good enough or big enough for her. Well, I can show her something. So long as she doesn't renounce her race for President, I am going to run for Senate. I can use a cushy job, too. Have you seen the chintzy signs, posters, T-shirts, mugs and other junk that is being sold in her name? At such rich prices, too."
"Hillary isn't even nice. Look at what she's done to me! Dragged me through the mud with all her nasty campaign remarks for no reason other than she has a big ego and bigger plans and is always looking for something for nothing. I think I should just S a y N O to her. She's earned that."
"Have you ever worked for her?" he asked the media. "I've seen how she operates. Do this. Do that. Where is it? When? No. No. No. No! Now, I want it Now.' You want demanding? Well, she comes in as outrageous."
"She is naturally duplicitous, underhanded, controlling and I've been told by sources I believe are close to her that those are all the complaints I'm going to be allowed to make."
"She thinks she can get away with mocking dummies and making light of the law. Well, let me tell you, when will she ever learn. Where will the mockery end? She thinks she's slick. Well, I can be as slick as greasy kid stuff, too."
"Her challenge may be to make the impossible possible but my challenge is to get manners and accountability out of her. I don't trust her with the books or the paperwork or anything that doesn't belong to her. She will slice and dice, cut and run, scheme and dream. I certainly don't trust her with a man. Look at how she's handled Bill."
"Worse, she is a media hog! Have you E v e r tried to get a word in or a point across. She gives no quarter when it comes to equal time or access. Let me tell you. She's constantly on the air with some scheme or other for free offers and we all know about free offers. They're not free. They have to be paid for and she isn't paying."
"I know from experience she is looking to pull a fast one. I absolutely, unequivocally intend to show I am faster than she is."
"I intend to join Rick Lazio, Mike Huckabee, Janet Huckabee, and all the little Huckabees, along with Asa Hutchinson, Anne Hutchison, Thomas Hutchison, Gennifer Flowers, Monica Lewinsky and all the other anti-Clinton people in a Stop Hillary Committee Before She Pulls Another Fast One."