WASHINGTON, DC-Removing clothing, pat-downs and body cavity searches at airports across the nation will soon become a thing of the past. A new procedure will replace the antiquated airport screening process when recently passed legislation is enacted.
Soon, purchasing an airline ticket, bus trip or train fare will include an additional step: receiving a bar-code tattoo with personal identifying data. The virtually painless procedure will only take approximately 30 seconds, the fee for which will be included in the total passage cost. Travelers will have several placement options for the tattoo, except for so-called private' areas of the body. The only requirement is that the tattoo be open and readily accessible by readers, which will replace metal detectors at all domestic US airports.
While the new tattoo system will unquestionably speed up travel screening and save countless taxpayer dollars through the elimination of nearly three-quarters of the current Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) screener staff, some watchdog groups still label the new process intrusive and invasive. "It's one thing to have to strip nearly naked in front of total strangers to be allowed on a plane," complained ACLU Houston Regional Director and frequent flier Nomo Dissin, "but tattoos with personal, sensitive information for the whole world to see is just too, too much." Hardly ostentatious, the actual tattoo itself will only be approximately one square inch in size.
Crafters of the revolutionary new concept are quick to quash critics and skeptics alike. "It's quick, it's easy, it saves time, and it's a new fashion statement, all in one," beamed Ollie Oxinfree, House Transportation Chairman and hobby tattoo artist. "Yeah, but what about us hard-working, conscientious, patriotic Americans who'll be out of work because of this?" TSA Union President Thomas "Touchy" McFeely demanded to know. Plans are being devised to offer displaced TSA'ers tattooing positions with free training, but with a substantial reduction in pay.
Still others are concerned about the health risks involved, since it is widely known that less than sanitary application of tattoos has resulted in serious medical conditions, chronic illness and often death. Food and Drug officials are adamant that they will oversee and approve all inks and needles to be used, as well as providing and requiring stringent hygiene standards throughout the process.
"What about the li'l babies?" new unwed mother and biker babe Methann Fetamean asked in desperation at a Hells Angels rally in rural New Mexico. "My baby Geehod don't got no room left for no more tattoos. All the fellers in the commune chipped in, and instead of circumcision, they got him tattoos instead. He's a crawlin' baby billboard." Under the provisions of the new law, infants and children under age five will be exempt from receiving the tattoo, but it will be a prerequisite for entry into elementary education.
Department of Homeland Security analysts are investigating a similar technique to monitor and track known or suspected terrorists. Implantation of a tiny GPS microchip in the base of the neck is hoped will eliminate the terrorist threat to the United States at home and abroad. Foreigners attempting to enter the United States must submit to the implant or they will be departed immediately. Security specialists expect fear of the implant in and of itself will deter most terrorists from attempting to invade our homeland surreptitiously.
Tattoo parlors across the country are vying for federal slots to be awarded shortly. So, next time you plan that out-of-town excursion, expect to hear "Got Tattoo?" as you step up to the ticket counter.