PLYMOTH ROCK, MA-"Back to Basics." That's the slogan being used to inaugurate a new law that literally touches every native-born and naturalized American of school age and older. Commencing January 1, 2007, class is in session. The subject: AMERICA-101.
From then on, the American Experience' will be a whole new experience-guaranteed! The Government Printing Office is churning out nearly half a billion copies of the textbook "How to Be an American," a compilation of public domain documents essential to understanding, as one Senate staffer put it, " how to look like an American, walk like an American, talk like an American, act like an American "
Once distributed, every literate American will be required to read and learn the elements of American foundation, including how the government works, the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Oath of Office for the President of the United States. Each year's tax return beginning in 2008 will include 100 questions taken directly from the new textbook. To maintain personal status as a full-fledged American citizen, retaining all inalienable rights and privileges, a minimum score of 88 must be attained and maintained on an annual basis.
For those unable to read, picture books will be provided. Blind citizens can take advantage of the audio version of the text, and the deaf among us will receive sign language videos. All versions will be provided free of charge, funded by tax dollars. Severely mentally handicapped individuals will be exempt but identified and certified as such, but periodically evaluated.
Every American' who fails to attain or maintain minimum annual citizenship scores will be reduced in citizenship status and must carry a "Certificate of Citizen in Training" similar to a learner's permit to operate a motor vehicle. The demotion' will continue until the next tax return, at which time the test can be retaken and a new score attained. Only one test per year will be allowed.
Fundamental to the remaking' of American society, new greetings will be exchanged between citizens passing on the street, in hallways and in meetings and gatherings. The greeter will exclaim, "Land of the Free," to which the greetee will respond, "Home of the Brave!" School children, official gatherings and sporting events will commence with the Pledge of Allegiance and God will once again and forevermore bless us in our daily lives.
Citizens who fail or refuse to follow the new rules will be given a choice: either bone up and step up and become an American in the truest sense of the word, or choose another country and go there. Thirty days from the decision to denounce Americanization all such persons will be required to purchase an outbound one-way plane ticket to whatever country will have them. Or they can walk across to Canada or Mexico. We won't stop you.
If they some day come to their senses and want to return, they can purchase the America 101 textbook for $19.95. Once they feel confident enough to try, they can report to the nearest American embassy (if there is one) to take the test or send a written request for a copy of the test. And, in case you might be wondering, the test will be printed, administered and graded in English. No other languages will be recognized.
America is returning to its original glory. Love it, Live it or Leave it!