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Sunday, 2 January 2011

image for Tower To AA Flight 2253: "Stop, Stop. Hey, Stop. Stop. Stop! STOP!! STOP!!  Sh-t."

The National Transportation Safety Board has opened an investigation into an incident in which a passenger jetliner that had landed at Jackson Hole Airport in Wyoming failed to stop after touchdown on Thursday.

"We're American Airlines...

...covering up sh-t is what we do best.

And now American Airlines isn't even allowed to be involved in the investigation.

"American Airlines violated long-established 'standards of conduct' for aviation-incident investigations," said Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge of the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB). "They are now barred from participating in the probe of Flight 2253."

At about 11:38 AM last Thursday, American Airlines Flight 2253 inbound from Chicago O'Hare International Airport, ran off the end of runway 19 while landing at Jackson Hole Airport.

"Tower To AA Flight 2253: Stop," an air traffic controller is heard to say. "Stop. Hey, Stop. Stop. A--holes, stop! STOP!! STOP!!!! Sh-t."

The pilot reported that the braking system failed, an assertion that the NTSB has characterized as "a collossal bag of sh-t." Flight 2253 continued down the runway, passing the end of the runway and through the runway overrun area which was 300 feet. It then traveled south on Spring Gulch Road, made a right on Spruce Drive, went through the Jackson Hole Country Club, briefly took flight and relanded on Bear Creek Kings Highway, ?knocked over a mailbox at the Snow King Cottages, made a U-turn, went west onto Route 191, made a left to travel south, finally coming to rest at the Jackson Loaf 'n Jug at 397 West Broadway, 14.7 miles from the runway, in hard packed snow.

It's the first time in decades that a major U.S. carrier --even one as corrupt and inept as AA-- has been kicked off an investigation into an accident or incident involving one of its own aircraft.

"C'mon, it was a mistake," said Gerard Arpey, CEO of American Airlines. "We were so busy with, you know, New Year's eve sh-t, we accidentally improperly downloaded information for our own use from the flight-data recorder, and erased it before the NTSB could study it. Whoopsie!"

The carrier didn't download any information from the separate cockpit-voice recorder on Flight 2253, which departed Chicago, landed at Jackson Hole in snowy conditions and ended up about 600 feet past the end of the runway. Bulldozers and other pieces of equipment were used to pull the twin-engine jet out of hard-packed snow.

The pilot came on the intercom to reassure passengers that they were ok and stated that the brakes weren't working properly. Airport officials brought in heavy plows and airport workers began plowing an area around the Boeing 757. A portable staircase and buses were brought in and it took just under an hour before all 181 passengers and crew were able to disembark the aircraft.

None of the 181 people aboard suffered injuries, but each and every one of them have retained a lawyer to sue for pain and suffering, because that's what lawyers do.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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