Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Christmas, Santa

Saturday, 25 December 2010

image for Shock Horror! Santa Is Not American!
Yo! Sup!

Hot on the heels of the Wikileaks scandal, the White House today admitted that Santa is not actually an American citizen.

In what is regarded by many as the Obama administration's darkest hour, Secretary Of State, Eddie Murphy confirmed that Santa actually hails from Lapland, which is part of Sweden and Norway, up the Arctic somewhere. Probably near Alaska, or maybe not - depending on whether you trust Sarah Palin's geography teacher.

Responding angrily to such an un-American statement Republican Governor of Punktucket, Joseph Stalin, of Jerusalem countered:

"I ain't never heard such a crock of bullcrap. Christmas belongs to America. We gave the world Christmas - wasn't Jesus born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania? He sure was, it says so in the Holy Bible, God damn it!"

Further revelations regarding the ethnic origins of Jesus are expected to be announced on Boxing Day, by Vice Dipshit "Iron" Mike Tyson, who is expected to announce:

"Jesus musta been one of them Ay-rab type fellas. Coming as he did, from Pennsylvania. It's doubtful that he was a blue eyed blonde dude. And he probably wasn't a Rastafarian from Ethiopia either. He most prob'ly bore some 'semblance to that Bollywood movie actor guy. I forgit his name, but you know the one I mean - the dude with the mustache. Like Groucho Marx, only not as pale."

A close friend of the Lone Ranger, Tonto, the Indian, said:

"This is all just Jay Silverheels. Of course Santa is American. Them damned Europeans jess can't wait to rub our noses in the grit. They forget that we gave them Jimmy Stewart in It's A Wonderful Life, Judy Garland in The Wizard Of Oz, Macauley Culkin in Home Alone, and that grouchy bastard Thornton fella, in Bad Santa. Christmas is an American institution. And if anybody cares to argue the point, we've always got the friendly fire option."

Brit PM 'Do Nothing Dave' Cameron said that he wanted to make it perfectly clear that he was thinking clear blue sky thoughts, as the Old Worlders shivered beneath a blanket of snow.

Barack Obama was actually born in Cuba, and not Kenya, as was once mistakenly reported.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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