(Washington, DC - December 21, 2010) Early Tuesday, President Barack Obama (Yeah, him again.) made the controversial announcement that this year, the Christian celebration affectionately referred to by supporters as a "Happy Holiday" is canceled.
This announcement marks the finality of a movement that has been dubbed the "War on Christmas."
In a change of pace that left many unemployed Americans disgruntled because it interfered with a particularly steamy "Days of Our Lives," Barack Obama decided to address the nation on national television. You know, just in case we forgot what his voice sounded like.
"I'm thrilled we were finally able to destroy this atrocity. As a black Muslim, I don't see the point of Christmas, nor do I think we should be teaching our children to worship some white man that died like what, a bajillion years ago? In a society that puts so much emphasis on the most recent innovations, it seems obvious that Kwanzaa is more relevant. I mean, it was created in 1967, it doesn't take the first black President to realize that it's definitely newer."
This move will usher in a new type of holiday season, one that involves no carols, gift giving or Nogg of Eggs. The move was commended by groups around the country, particularly the JWJJB (Jesus Was Just a Jewish Baby) Foundation, who have been attempting to put a halt to "The Worst Holiday Ever" pretty much since "that little fucker was born."
However, these sentiments were not shared by a substantial amount of the population. Popular Fox News Anchor Bill O'Reilly, who infamously popularized the "War on Christmas" term, was expected to release a statement explaining his utter disgust with the decision. Unfortunately, O'Reilly couldn't be reached for comment, because upon hearing the news, he promptly killed himself.
Retailers were also adamant about their negative views on the change. H. Lee Scot Jr. CEO of Wal-Mart was quick to weigh in:
"This is a sad, sad day. My heart reaches out to all of those people who really cherished the sacred tradition of getting stuff they like without paying for it. While I know this is a hard day for our religious friends, this is also a very real and personal pain that I'm feeling today. If you could have seen the devastation on the faces of my family when they learned that we could only make bi-annual trips to Cabo, then maybe just for a moment you could feel what I feel today. The loss of Christmas is devastating to our company and country, many of our employees had a tear in their eye when we told them "Sorry guys, but this year we won't be able to demand that you work overtime with no benefits so we can proliferate the bastardization of a celebration originally created with the intention of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ."
The move will be implemented immediately and parents everywhere are being encouraged to explain the change to their children by telling them "Sorry Timmy (Editors Note: Not applicable if your child does not have the name Timmy.), but you were so naughty this year. Santa just happened to drop dead."
"What? No we can't be Jewish, get the hell in your room."
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that celebrating Christmas would now be punishable by crucifixion, thanks to Vice President Joe Biden's fondness for irony. Furthermore, the word Christmas will now be treated "Voldemort-Style" as the very mention of the former holiday will earn you a citation.
"Christmas was just getting in the way of the other holidays, I mean when people said Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays, it took away from those holidays. Now that we don't have to worry about December 25th, we can focus our attention on the holidays that mean something to people who aren't Christian. Sure it might seem odd that we would cancel such a prominent holiday in favor of the more obscure, but we couldn't continue to offend the almost minuscule amount of people in our country who don't celebrate Christmas. Instead of welcoming all cultures and celebrating a unifying holiday experience, we've decided to create a giant controversy over something that only effects people who are desperate to be outraged about something. From here on out, this country will no longer disgrace the meaning of holidays by wishing people a "Merry Christmas."
As referenced in President Obama's address to the nation, Kwanzaa will now take Christmas' place as the major holiday of the year, and let me tell you, the black family that celebrates it could not be happier.