Written by Gail Farrelly
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Sunday, 19 December 2010

image for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Ends; TELLING Epidemic Grips U.S.
Shhh! Don't blab your secrets to the world.

The news that the U.S. Senate has voted to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the military policy for handling gay recruits, has had an interesting effect.

And it has nothing to do with revealing a sexual preference. No, it has to do with spilling the beans on just about anything at all. Folks all over the U.S. have been seized by the desire to TELL, TELL, TELL. Let it all hang out. No matter that the secrets have been hidden for decades and probably should stay that way.

Here are two examples of 'secrets' revealed in one small U.S. village (populated by a lot of people of Irish descent):

#1. If you've been wondering about the question raised in the 1898 song (written by George L. Giefer), "Who Threw the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder?," wonder no more. Just read on.

Sean Murphy, 35, great great grandson of Mrs. Murphy of chowder fame, knows whodunit. He's now admitted that it was his great great grandfather, Patrick Murphy, husband of the complainant, who did the dastardly deed. "Don't think badly of him," Sean pleaded. (Most said they weren't thinking of him at all.) According to Sean, "The truth has been handed down from generation to generation in our family. Grandpa staggered home from the pub late one night and thought he was throwing his overalls into a dirty-clothes vat to soak." The oldest resident of the village (she's 107) was delighted to see this 'crime' finally solved, saying "I always claimed Patrick Murphy was the perp. Now everyone knows I was absolutely right."

#2. Kathleen Flaherty, 67, admitted that she knicked a pair of knickers from her neighbor's clothesline on a spring day 40 years ago. "I was desperate for a clean pair," she explained, as she gave a weepy apology to her neighbor. "Now I can die happy," was the sarcastic response of the 'victim.'

One village resident in his 30s is hearing much more "telling" than he wants, pointing out that often ignorance is bliss. "I'm sick of all those big mouths blabbing about their boring secrets," he said, adding, "I suggest we muzzle 'em."

If that isn't feasible, he plans to invest in a pair of earplugs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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