Written by Chuck Terzella
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Monday, 8 August 2005

image for As Cindy Sheehan Waits, Media Begins Search For The Perfect Gold Star Mother.
Maybe Goodness Will Become The New Black...Nah.

Under the hot sun of an August day in Texas, the mother of slain Army Specialist Chris Sheehan waits. And waits. What's more, she's vowing that she'll continue to wait until United States President George W. Bush comes out of his Crawford ranch to meet with her personally. One can only imagine all the questions a mother whose son was killed in a misguided and very probably illegal war would have for the man who sent him to his death, but the main one at this point seems to be, ‘just what is the Noble Cause that the twenty four year old soldier and the other one thousand, eight hundred others like him have died for?' Thanks to Ms. Sheehan, it's a question that the mainstream media is also beginning to ask.

After years of almost blind support for the Administrations policy of Preemptive Liberation, American media corporations are starting to acknowledge the presence of a growing opposition to the Bush Administrations global policies. The problem they face however, according to broadcast insiders, is one of appearance. No, not the appearance of disagreement with a government that has helped these same media giants to consolidate their strangle hold on the airwaves and newsstands across the country, but the appearance of the opposition itself.

Unnamed Media Source Philbert ( Mousse) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he won't end up in front of the Valerie Plame Treason Grand Jury said, " Ms. Sheehan presents us with a real conundrum. She's committed, intelligent and articulate. Her anger and pain are evident and her message is spot on. She's creative about the way she's getting her message across; in short, she's almost everything we'd want. But there is a real problem too."

Continuing to speak on the condition that he would cut a source loose to a grand jury before he would ever consider even the threat of imprisonment, Waterhouse continued, "The problem is that Ms. Sheehan is a forty eight year old woman who has obviously been torn by grief and anger for over a year now. Add to that her time being spent under the harsh Texas sun and you end up with someone who's...how can I put this...less than photogenic. What we need is a mother who's grief has only made her more beautiful, preferably one with a cute dead daughter, not a son...someone like that Jessica Lynch chick. Now a gorgeous mother with an equally gorgeous dead daughter, that's news."

Apparently Ms. Sheehan, much to the dismay of a Washington Press Corps forced to spend August sweltering in Crawford, Texas and desperately looking for something to report on to get their minds off their own self pity, is expressing absolutely no interest in their offers of a makeup team, hair stylist and wardrobe consultant, throwing them into a moral and ethical quandary. In a year that's blessed them with Teri Schiavo, Lacy Peterson and now Natalee Holloway in Aruba, they are given perhaps the most important story of the Bush years and the subject of that story refuses to just put on a little mascara, for chrissakes.

So the search now begins for a replacement to Ms. Sheehan; search lists are being compiled using Aveeda, Gold's Gyms and Betsy Johnson mailing lists along with military Killed In Action reports in the hopes of finding the perfect grieving mother. Then perhaps, this ugly war can finally end.

(PS...Dear Ms. Sheehan, Please understand that this is a story about American Media, not you and you're loss or commitment. You are truly beautiful.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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