Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Friday, 5 August 2005

image for George Bush Releases Revised  Republican  Bible
The revised Republican Bible

WASHINGTON, DC (AP)-US President George W. Bush has elaborated on his cosmology and his new theory of "intelligent design" which is basically a rehashed version of Old Testament creationism. Bush has rewritten many passages of the Bible to reflect his beliefs, and the White House has just released the official Republican Party version of the Bible. Here is a sample of the first part of the revised version of Genesis:

"Once there were no stars, no moon, no sun, and not even any Rich People, and not even an Earth! There was not even any twinkle of light. All was dark, and it was so, so cold you could almost feel it, except there was nothing to feel either. Because nothing was out there. All was empty space and it was so empty and lonely that there was not one thing that could bump into another thing. So empty that not even any sound could be heard, not even a whisper. Because no one was out there except the Great God RepublicaYaweh who was very, very rich. And that's when it all began a long, really long, long time ago.

So in the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth and this is exactly how He did it. The first sound that was ever heard was when God opened his mouth on that first day and said, Let there be light! As soon as He spoke those words, there was a powerfully bright flash and all the darkness fled away into a corner. God saw how good it was. It must have made Him very happy, but not happy enough. Because then He decided to separate the light from the darkness, by calling the light day and the darkness night. And so ended the first day.

He must have known how difficult it would have been to rest if it were bright all the time, so he fixed it so it would be dark just part of the time at nighttime so we could find it easier to sleep. But God wasn't finished yet!

The second day, God said, Let there be a sky and, oh, how beautiful it was! There was day and there was night, and now there was a beautiful blue sky. And still God wasn't done. Do you know how come? Because everywhere you looked there was nothing but water. The day, and the night, and the sky, and the water were so beautiful!

But God wanted more since he was a Republican! So, on the third day, God gathered the water together in one place. He said to the oceans, You stay here. And you know what? They obeyed Him! And to the rivers, He said, You belong over there. And they listened, too. And to the lakes, You stay in this place. And they obeyed Him, too!

Can you imagine what would happen if they didn't obey him? Why there would be utter chaos! Things would be floating when we'd least expect them to and whenever we turned our back, we could be run over by a wave. I'm so glad they listened aren't you? And God named the dry land Earth and the water he called seas. So now there was day and there was night, and there was a beautiful blue sky, and there were oceans and rivers and lakes.

God saw how good the third day was. It made Him very happy but not happy enough. Because then he made the grass and plants and fruit trees with seeds inside them that could grow more plants and fruit trees. Some plants and trees He made just to make everything look pretty. Others he made so we would have fruits and vegetables to eat.

Most plants grew up like apples and pears and corn and broccoli. Other plants grew down like potatoes and turnips and carrots. And some plants grew sideways like cucumbers and watermelons and squash. And God was very pleased with all He did on that third day. So now there was day and there was night, and there was a beautiful blue sky, and there were oceans and rivers and lakes, and there were grass and plants and trees.

But still He wasn't finished! There was yet more work to do! On the fourth day, God said, Let there be lights in the sky to separate the day from the night, and for winter, spring, summer, and fall, and for days and years. And you know what? That's exactly what happened! Just like God said.

God made two really big lights. The larger one we call the sun, which He made to shine in the day and a smaller one we call the moon, which He made to shine at night. He also made the stars and put them exactly where He wanted them. God put all these beautiful lights in the sky to give light to the earth. The sun gives light to the earth during the day and the moon and stars give light to the earth during the night.

And God saw that it was good. So now there was day and there was night, and there was a beautiful blue sky, and there were oceans and rivers and lakes, and there were grass and plants and trees, and there were the sun, moon and stars. That was a lot of prime real estate that was ready to be owned by the Rich People!

Next time you see a star twinkle in the night, stop and think about this: God put a twinkle in the dark so we would remember how very important it is to obey Him just like the stars do.

Then God decided to make some Rich People that he would call Republicans made in his very own image and he would give them all of this wonderful real estate and the riches and bounty of the Earth because they really deserved it because they were Republicans just like him! So he made the Republicans and off-shore banks and gave them lots and lots of money and oil and servants and slaves and lesser people to serve their many needsÂ…"

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