Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: Health, Washington

Friday, 29 July 2005

image for Vehicular Nose-Picking Ban Sought
To Poke or Not to Poke

Washington, DC-PUT ALL YOUR FINGERS WHERE I CAN SEE ‘EM! Citing marked increases in loss of life and the obvious health and highway safety risks involved, a Pennsylvania legislator is putting Keystone State drivers on notice: "When this bill becomes law, you'll either keep ‘your fingers on the wheel' or face stiff fines and prison," exclaimed State Representative Russell "Runny" Schnaz. Initial reactions to the proposal have been met with doubt, skepticism and outright disbelief. "Some people insist it's a joke, Schnaz admitted, "but I assure you, it snot!"

Following the litany of other such laws, including a ban on cell phones, smoking, eating, changing clothes, applying makeup, reading and sleeping or sex acts, it's no real surprise that someone would sniff this one out. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us we can't swear or use cheap cologne. Oh, my God, it won't be long before the fashion police become THE police! And even Santa Claus will have to be extremely careful about "placing a finger aside of his nose," lest he be falsely accused of the new heinous crime!

The slogan, "Don't Pick It or Ticket" is already being imprinted on bumper stickers to promote awareness of the addition to local legal requirements that will be displayed on city, county and eventually state trooper cruisers. The bumper stickers are expected to promote the concept and enforce what is expected to be a most controversial new driving restriction in the state.

City police in the Pittsburgh suburb of Honkerton, where the bill was publicly announced, say the new law will save them a lot of grief. Patrolman Neb Nozzle echoed the sentiments of fellow officers who must contend with distracted drivers. "It's not so much that the drivers picking their noses are themselves unsafe. It's the repulsive reactions the nose-pickers evoke."

In just the first quarter of 2005, nearly 950 accidents on Honkerton streets and roads were attributed to drivers grossed out by other drivers or their passengers with fingers lodged deeply in their nostrils. Most of the affected drivers were so overcome that they either lost control of their own vehicles and either collided with other cars or left the road and overturned.

"It gets worse," gasped crossing guard Freda Pickett. "The picking is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I can't tell you how many times I've seen the obscene gesture turn into a quick snack. Ugh! It just turns my stomach to think about it," she said as a wave of nausea overtook her..

"It stinks," was the consensus of drivers polled recently at the Wal-Mart parking lot in downtown Honkerton. "What about people with allergies, colds or just stuffiness?" laments Missy Whiffer. Guess they could get a note from their doctor, but the jury's still out on whether such an excuse will be prevent judges from getting their noses out of joint with the anticipated avalanche of nasal nuisance notoriety.

The surprising thing about this issue is that drivers aren't the only ones subject to the conditions of the impending law. Anyone inside a moving vehicle is punishable if found guilty of "pokin' the ole proboscis." Schnaz explained that, "unless the vehicle has tinted windows completely obscure the offense, anyone riding inside is liable."

Schnaz has sought support and cooperation from lawmakers in neighboring states of Maryland, Delaware, New York and Ohio. But so far, most say they don't feel comfortable "sticking their noses in where they don't belong," as one Ohio state representative put it recently when questioned about the provocative project.

Supplies have already been depleted from distributors of the bumper sticker that reads: "Get any closer and I'll flick a booger on your windshield." "Who'd've thought such an obnoxious thing would become a collector's item," Benny Beak, Honkertown's Paper Mart proprietor, chuckled through the window of the bright red Hummer he was able to buy from the profits from sales of this single item.

With demand growing to an all time high, bumper sticker manufacturers will surely have to keep their noses to the grindstone to keep customers happy. But just don't get caught with your finger where it doesn't belong. The new law is definitely nothing to sneeze at!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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