Written by Juvenal Delinquent
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Saturday, 27 November 2010

image for Mad cows stampede through feed store on Black Friday

WISCONSIN-- Employees at the BarnMart in Milwaukee braced themselves Friday morning for the yearly onslaught of cattle looking for the best deals on feed. A herd of heifers, bulls, and calves were lined up around the block in the wee hours waiting for the store to open.

When the barn doors finally swung wide, the stampede began. Manager Charlie Hickam tried to close the doors, but by then it was too late. Employees were quickly overwhelmed, with several clerks getting trampled under hoof, although no serious injuries were reported. One staffer repeatedly shouted, "Yah, yah!" to little effect. That's when the local wranglers were called in for assistance.

Veteran cowboy Jim Rogers and seasoned rodeo clown Flint Murchison arrived shortly thereafter and rounded up several of the more troublesome dogies, then herded them back out to pasture. The remaining cows seemed to settle down after that and grazed the aisles peacefully for the rest of the day.

"The red tag sale on cud is what probably set them off", explained Rogers. "I told 'em not use that color, but they don't listen to me", he continued. A spokesman for BarnMart, however, stated that they've used the color before without any problems. "We're not going to change our sales tactics because of a few bad bovines in the bunch", he continued.

As for most of the ungulates, they seemed content just to chew on the bargains to be had. "Despite a rough beginning, it was a very successful day overall. We heard a lot of happy mooing", Hickam was quoted as saying.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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