Amid growing outrage over pervasive airport security measures, including groping pat-down body searches and overly-revealing body scans, a spokesperson for the Transportation Security Administration announced today that there is a method to their madness.
"Of course we realize hat people are complaining that these measures are a ridiculous invasion of privacy, and completely unnecessary to ensure the safety of air travel." Explained the TSA representative.
"But what people don't understand, is that this is about more than just security. We plan to put together X-rated video of our body searches and images from our scanners and market them via the internet. We plan to generate billions of dollars in revenue. We'll brand it as 'TSA Excitement-Totally Serious Action!'"
Reporters present at the press conference seemed stunned at the revelation.
"What about the people, the travelers." One older reporter finally asked. "I mean, are they giving their consent to have video of themselves being searched to be, ah, sold on the internet that way?"
"Ahh. That's the beauty of it." Smiled the TSA official. "We don't need their permission. We're the federal government. If these travelers want to fly in our airspace, we own them. Nobody can argue with our cover story--er, I mean our mission--of safety. I mean, come on. We're at war, right? Anybody who objects, we'll just brand them a terrorist sympathizer. Do you wanna be soft on Al Qaeda? OK then; get over here and submit to your groping."
Several groups have already expressed opposition to the TSA plan. Public opinion was divided.
"Well, I guess they have to do it, you know, to keep us safe. And if they can make money off it and help lower taxes, that sounds good" said one man, sporting an 'Obama 2012' t-shirt.
"No way" Said one defiant woman. "I'd rather ride a bus." She seemed despondent when we reminded her that bus travel falls under the province of the TSA as well as air travel.