Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies have today opened their first old folk's home. The Red Scarf Home for the Terminally Deluded opened its doors for the first fee-paying fanatics wanting round-the-clock delusion.
"Well, we were basically taking all our fanatic's money anyway, what with our over-priced crap and forced 'donations', so we thought we'd take the rest and open an old folk's home!" grinned the manager.
The home, in Loonyville Heights, USA, has 100 luxury rooms. "All our rooms have 24-hour butler service. There's no way our wealthy fanatics would settle for anything less!" boasted a senior member of staff.
All rooms have a 200-inch TV set, which only show SuBo videos. "Our fanatics wouldn't want to watch anything else. Besides, we can show commercials for our own Tacky Gift Shop every five minutes!" laughed the chief financial officer. "Not that we're in this for the money of course. I mean, we only charge them $10,000 per week! You'll have to excuse me, some undesirable is hanging about near my Bentley," he continued while running outside.
Meals, all cooked by a top celebrity chef, are taken in the communal dining room. "It's fish&chips served with lemonade every day, except Sunday when we serve Irn Bru!" confirmed the chef. "Most of our fanatics don't have their own teeth, so we also offer a fish&chips smoothie as an alternative!" continued the chef.
"The Activities Room is where our fanatics can come and play games. Games include 'Where's flat Susan', 'Susan said ..', 'I spy' (although it's always 'S' for Susan!), 'My husband's wealthier than yours', and 'Hunt the red scarf'," confirmed the activities manager. "We try to stop them having any kind of discussion though. They might have an opinion that differs from that of the management, and we certainly can't have that!" she continued.
The more religious amongst the residents (well, all of them basically) can pray at the on-site 'Church of Susan'. "Hourly prayers are said to our 'Lady Susan', who we consider to be our God, and all fanatics pledge allegiance to the Red Scarf of the United States of Susan every day before breakfast!" confirmed the Pastor.
The home is set in 20 acres of landscaped gardens. "We do allow our fanatics to walk around outside, but the grounds are surrounded by electric razor wire. We just can't have our fanatics exposed to any kind of reality!" said the head of security.
"We're already at full capacity, so we'll be looking at opening more homes soon! We won't rest until we've squeezed every last cent out of our wealthy fanatics, but, of course, we're not in this for the money!" cackled the manager.