Written by P.M. Wortham
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Saturday, 13 November 2010

image for 12 Step Program Announced for Addicted Black Ops Players
Addicted Gamer after 72 contiguous hours of play

A week after the release of the new Call of Duty: Black Ops video game and with thousands of reports already for joystick addiction, a New York Doctor has put together a rehabilitation program to help wean these depraved video gamers off the "Black Ops Pixel Dust", as gamer insiders call it.

"It really is tragic", says Doctor Buster Knuckles of the Courtney Love Center for Addiction and Rehabilitation. "These poor gamers are completely sucked into the story, the mission, and the constant adrenaline, forgetting to eat, bathe, even get up from their chairs to use the bathroom. It controls your life". When asked about the turning point or the low point a gamer has to achieve before seeking help, Doctor Knuckles replied, "Sadly, it's when they forget to pay their high speed internet bill, or electric bill, or drop to the floor from starvation. Only then do they see they have a problem".

Detailing out the program, the Doctor shows us step one patients who continue to twitch fingers and thumbs while staring out into space. "They thing they are still playing". Skipping over to step seven patients, Dr. Knuckles allowed reporters to view a group recovery session. "We like to let them all loose in a fenced in area with paintball guns and no padded clothing. Eventually they figure out that there are ramifications to being shot, other than painlessly touching a "Reset" button on a game. Take a couple of paintballs to the Nads and that will get your attention."

By step 12, we can put them in a room with a puppy or bunny and watch their reactions. If they smile and cuddle the animal, we're pretty confident that we'll see a full recovery. If we see them twitch at all we know they need more time with us. When asked about the "twitch" comment, Dr. Knuckles responded, "Well it's usually more overt than that. Most will ask one of the staff for a knife or a gun. It's best not to let them back into public yet".

Dr. Knuckles admits to being a former addicted gamer and a current player as well. "I've learned to set up my computer on a timer. After an hour of play it just shuts off. That's my reminder that there is a world away from my monitor. That, plus my hot little, former Hooters waitress wife demands a significant amount of her own attention, but that's another addition problem."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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