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Friday, 15 July 2005

image for Bush Demands Outing of More Agents
Throws Like A Girl

Washington -- In the wake of revelations that Karl Rove may have been behind the "outing" of Valerie Plame, President Bush has requested the "outing" of additional intelligence agents by other members of the White House staff.

"We want all our agents out," said Bush. "Outing" is the opposite of "inning," like in baseball, Bush said. Whether it's a picnic up at Camp David, or a bar-b-que down in Crawford, I'm asking White House staff to make sure ALL our agents get outed now and then. Staying in all the time, staring at a computer screen, that's not healthy.

Advised that "outing," or revealing the name of an undercover agent is considered treason, Bush quipped, "As former owner of the Texas Rangers, you can't teach me anything about innings and outings I don't already know. If Karl has done something wrong then why haven't they charged him with anything? A grand jury, you see, it isn't a real jury. It's grand, meaning big, just like the grandstands, in baseball. Folks just sit there and watch, eat a hot dog or two, and hope to occasionally catch a fly ball. The fifth amendment protects Karl, you see, kind of like the catcher's mask, the mask that protects the catcher."

Despite repeated attempts by White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan to pick President Bush off the baseball metaphor, the President continued: "Last week we had a pick-up game on the East Lawn between several CIA agents and my Secret Service folks" There were several outings in that game. An outing is when the guy with the ball throws it to the baseman before the runner can get there, isn't that right Scott?" One of the CIA agents, Steve ____ (last name deleted - EDITOR) outed several of my Secret Service men, but you didn't see them running to the liberals in the press and complaining like a bunch of sissies afterwards, now did ya?

Asked whether he stands behind Rove, Bush remarked, "Does my shirt have vertical stripes on it? Of course it doesn't. And if it did they would be pinstripes, which go up and down, but they're not vertical stripes. I'm not the umpire. The umpire is the official who stands behind people. The guy running the scoreboard keeps track of what inning or outing you're in, home runs, and all that. So let's forget about Valerie and Karl and all this outing business. Karl has said he's going to apologize to Valerie and that's good enough for me. Are you reporters going to play ball with me on this or not?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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