(November 11, 2010 -- Houston, TX) A compelling story of patriotism warmed the nations heart this Veteran's Day as Lt. Bob McGuffie received a remarkable amount of "support" in the form of $1.3 million. McGuffie, who's a true American Hero despite his hatred of violence and rampant criticism of the motives behind America's entrance into Middle Eastern conflicts, was overjoyed to know his service wasn't wasted on trivial things like protecting American freedom.
"Honestly, I joined the armed forces because I needed money for college and had no other options. While I'm thrilled to know that my financial situation will no longer be a problem, it would have been nice if I could have received this money before I had to leave my family for 2 years and fucking kill people. Do you understand that I had to wake up every morning in the middle of an endless sand dune and shoot people in their face? These memories will haunt me for the rest of my life. This is the kind of stuff that tortures your soul and could only be erased for like $3 or $4 million."
Americans everywhere couldn't have been more proud of the support they generated by purchasing magnetic yellow ribbons that were most likely made by Vietnamese teenagers.
"It feels good to know that you did your part" said Jennifer Thompson, whose also championed support for other ribbon related causes like Breast Cancer and Lance Armstrong Type Cancer. "You'd think that buying a small magnet to pretentiously display as if you actually give a shit would be completely meaningless to the actual support of our troops, but it's pretty obvious the cynics have been proven wrong today."
George W. Bush hailed the financial support of young men and women whose lives he personally destroyed by subjecting them to intense emotional and physical torture for unjustifiable reasons. The Former President and Current Patriot touted his prominence as the foremost supporter of American soldiers, assuring the media he had no regrets about initiating two wars that have cost the country billions of dollars and thousands of lives despite their notable lack of accomplishing anything he said they would. While members of the media pressed the once momentarily popular hate monger, former President Bush claimed the only thing he would have done differently was "Not let the worst terrorist attack in the history of our country happen." Although every single piece of evidence points to the contrary, political pundits still praised the former Commander-In-Chief for being "tough" on terrorism, keeping America safe from weapons of mass destruction that never existed and protecting the country better then President Obama, whose clearly far too weak to stop attacks despite his overwhelmingly superior record of national security.
As expected, treasonous liberals were openly disgusted with the substantial display of "support" for citizens who ensure our freedom, arguing that the money could have been utilized more effectively by giving it to drug addicted welfare recipients with no intention of looking for a job.
"This is ridiculous, someone sacrifices a substantial chunk of their life to selflessly protect ungrateful Americans who only think about our troops on pre-approved holiday's or when they need to send someone on a guilt trip, and we just give them free money? This is what happens when right-wing extremists have any type of control. Look people, guns are stupid, war is stupid, America isn't that great, why are we so concerned with "supporting" soldiers when we could end the war by meeting with these mentally unstable fanatics and having a reasonable conversation filled with pseudo-intellect, politically correct banter and veiled references to obscure topics we discovered on Wikipedia. If we continue responding to vicious, unrepentant terrorism with violence, the rest of the world is never going to love us as much as Obama said they would."
Following the announcement, extensive polling allowed the American people to voice their completely retarded opinions on a subject they know nothing about and would most likely never effect them. Bucking the recent trend of American unity that forgoes counterproductive partisan arguments lacking any semblance of factual information in favor of endeavors that are best for the country, multiple polls revealed a diverse set of opinions. While 27% of Americans supported the decision and 22% opposed it, a resounding 51% of Americans said their opinion was the opposite of whatever their opponents opinion was.