(Miami, FL - October 20, 2010) It's a familiar sight these days, foreclosed homes, evicted tenants, more and more Americans are being thrown into the street, becoming yet another victim of the worst economic recession since "The Great Depression." Locally, George and Tina Dexter, former small business owners who've watched sales decline and taxes increase during the tenure of America's worst president since October of 2008, were recently evicted from their home along with their 3 children, after frequent delinquent payments.
In true American form, the Dexter's have decided to forego the always difficult "Mommy and Daddy lost our home" talk with their family, opting instead to warp the small remedial minds of their children with blatant, potentially life scarring lies that will save them trouble until their house of cards eventually destroys every important relationship they've ever had. An almost surely hammered George Dexter explained just how tough it is these days:
"Its tough out there, I don't need to tell anybody how tough it is, because they know how tough it is, because quite frankly, it's really tough out there."
Mr. Dexter elaborated:
"I mean, with all the taxes, big government, taxes, bail outs, government stimulus and of course taxes, it makes sense that we have a scapegoat for every problem in our life. As a father, I just couldn't look my kids in the eyes and tell them that I failed miserably at the only thing I've ever done with myself. So instead, we told our little rascals that we would be vacationing indefinitely. I'm extremely positive this will have no repercussions."
Willy Gort, Mayor of Miami, spoke with the media and assured that he would most certainly never be re-elected:
"The city of Miami is a destination location for many people in our country, as well as our good friends in Cuba. Our unique geography offers some of the best locations to swim, boat, camp and of course perpetuate a ridiculous lie that lacks any sign of benefit for your children. I'm not commending the actions of this family, nor am I encouraging people to convince their young children that they're not the bottom feeders of society. What I'm saying is, IF, you're in a situation that forces you to live like a Haitian family, Miami is the prime location for manipulating the minds of your children while disgracing your family. Not to mention the fact that Central American people are generally high in protein and they wash up on the shore totally eatable like 40 times a day."
Camping, which is one of America's most cherished hobbies even though it is nothing more then a way to take homelessness on a test drive as you participate in activities that are fun but would clearly be enhanced with the presence of electricity, furniture and indoor plumbing, has become more prominent as the economy takes its toll on the public. However, in an ironic twist, the fastest growing demographic of campers is rich people who engulf the campsites with completely unnecessary luxury items and then complain about the less fortunate people utilizing the public barbecue grills they don't even need and never considered using.
Lenard Pitts, head of the Miami Everglades Campground, spoke with the local media:
"I understand the difficulties people are havin these days, I'm havin problems myself, contrary to popular belief, the life of a Park Ranger aint' just filled with non stop parties and beautiful woman, do you realize how much I have to sleep in the dirt? You eva' ate a pine cone fa' breakfast?"
Pitts was pressed on the issue of families moving into his campground:
"If ya'll can't pay ya' bills, come on down and pitch a tent, just make sure you're nowhere near the paying customers, don't let nobody see you, and speak when fucking spokin' too." After excusing himself for indecent language, Pitts continued: "These Dexter's, they a nice family, got two little girls and a baby boy, all real young, musta' done a lot of fuckin round the same period of time. Oh, please pardon my vulgarity, I'm just sayin, it take 9 months to pop one of them things out and it seems pretty obvious that Mr. Dexter was hitten' that shit right for a minute there."
The Dexter's youngest daughter, 7 year old Elizabeth, was quite obviously way too fucking stupid to realize what was going on "I can't wait to go camping! I have my sleeping bag, canteen and hiking boots. Vacations are fun!" Members of the media had to fight back tears as they listened to a little girl completely unaware that her parents were quickly becoming known as the biggest pieces of shit in recent memory. 14 year old Madison, the eldest child in the Dexter family who's only four years away from being legal, wasn't as naïve "I was already pissed off because Jimmy Stevens was going to take me to the annual Fall Ball and totally grind up on my rapidly developing body, but no, we have to go camping. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's not even a vacation, Dad said he was just packing heavy but I don't understand why we had to clear the entire house. My real concern is how this will effect my drivers training."
Information regarding the extent of the Dexter's tenure at the campground was unavailable at press time. However Mrs. Dexter couldn't hide her excitement as she explained her family would soon be receiving welfare, a program well known for providing endless amounts of free money and solving every single problem of anybody who gets it because they never have to work again and get to spend huge wads of cash on drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and Democratic campaign donations.