Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: History

Sunday, 5 June 2005

image for Deep Throat or Ben & Jerry's
"Yaweeeee, name of a new Ben & Jerry flavor."

The revelation that Deep Throat was the former deputy director of the FBI brings a close to a mysterious chapter in American history or does it? Could there have been more than one Deep Throat
and did he have a paper route? Curiosity also lingers as to why the former agent selected a name associated with pornography, instead of something more user friendly, like say, Ben & Jerry's. Universally, user friendly. Okay, cuter. A gentler, friendlier name may have created a more tasteful tone to the situation. Who could keep a straight face if Bob Woodward were secretly meeting Cherry Garcia in a D.C. garage to get the straight scoop on the Watergate break in? President Nixon may never have handed in his resignation and many of his loyal staff may never have been marched off to the pokey.

"Yaweeeee," agrees Howard Dean, finishing a bowl of Chocolate Therapy ice cream.

The Bush administration is looking into the possibility of prosecuting the 91 year old former FBI agent for something.

"What was his crime?" a reporter asked the President's press secretary.

"Talking to the press. If we're going to prosecute criminals like Martha Stewart, who cost herself millions, or that runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, who cost the nation's police forces millions, justice should be sought for President Nixon and the good people of the FBI. No one is above the law. Not even a retired FBI gossip using a porn star's alias."

"What about the member of the President's staff who revealed the name of a CIA undercover agent?"

"That investigation is still on going. Look, it's hard work finding these folks, but we have Deep Throat now and we're going to study the situation."

"Amen," said Tom Delay. "And gimme five barrels of that Last Straw ice cream."

Not sounding like a dish of Marsha Marsha Marshmallow, Jennifer Wilbanks issued a tart statement in her defense: "So I had some doubts. Sorry. I'm still a tax payer and tax payers can have doubts too. My crime seems to be that I was found alive and not spread across ten states from Georgia to Nevada. I don't hear anyone screaming about the number of women Ben Affleck left at the alter. I panicked. I'm human. So what?"

"Yaweeeee."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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