Parents in America are terrible for allowing their sons to join the military, a new study confirms.
Peter Dieter of the University of Colombia's advanced Family Therapy Programme says, "Encouraging children to go to war is very irresponsible and could lead to loss of life or injury".
But big fat American parents will hear nothing of it:
"I want my son to die for his country, and if that means that I am a bad mother, then so be it", said Mandy Lardybutt.
"In 1973 I was attacked by a Viet Cong crocodile with razor blades. I lost a penis in Vietnam so I don't see anything wrong with little Bubba Billy Junior experiencing the same. Praise the Lord Jesus!", said Bubba Billy Senior.
The one good outcome of all this is that their gay sons can live to a good healthy age and themselves go on to raise more healthy gay children.
Larry Sabu, 20, a proud gay man agrees:
"If things continue as they stand, then by 2015 I expect America to be predominantly gay. And we shall celebrate with a Pride march down through the streets of Texas and every state across the land".