Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Saturday, 21 May 2005

image for Satan Appears at White House
The Prince of Darkness

WASHINGTON, DC--In a development which has disturbed the evangelical Christian Right supporters of United States President George W. Bush, the Biblical Satan, complete with goatee, horns, a black cape, a pointed tail, and breathing fire and brimstone, has appeared and taken up residence in the White House. Representatives of the Bush Administration have been reluctant to talk about their new visitor, who has apparently been given one of the several guest rooms since he is not inclined to leave and has resisted all attempts to be shown the door.

"We're not exactly sure how to deal with this situation," admitted a nervous press spokesman who requested anonymity. "I mean, it's not everyday that Satan, or Lucifer as he is also known, drops by and outstays his visit. We all thought he was a mythological figure and now here he is. This puts a whole new light on all those bible stories."

Satan had apparently entered the White House by joining one of the many public tours, and had fooled security guards and the Secret Service by signing his name in the guestbook as "Louis Cyphre."

"We thought his outfit was a bit outlandish, but he passed the security checkpoint and his name didn't raise any red flags in the database," recalls one guard. Satan now regularly prowls the White House hallways but is generally avoided by staffers and administration officials.

"We don't like it when he looks over our shoulders at top secret documents," complained one assistant national security advisor. "We usually wrap things up and switch on the TV until he moves on."

Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson have been vocal in urging the Bush Administration to get rid of their unwelcome guest.

"We can't have Satan hanging around the true Republican Believers in Washington, DC," said Falwell. "It makes us all look bad. Maybe he's just checking things out. I wish he'd go away." Falwell had apparently attempted an exorcism, but the ritual was unsuccessful. "The son of a bitch just laughed at me," related the fundamentalist Baptist TV evangelist. "It was nerve-wracking."

Satan reportedly took Vice President Dick Cheney on a brief visit to Hell, and has offered to give other politicians a free ride there and back. A shaken Cheney refused to reveal what he saw, but decided to take a brief vacation in Hawaii after the harrowing experience.

However, the Prince of Darkness has agreed to lower his profile in the White House, recognizing that his presence can be bothersome.

"Satan has agreed to moderate his breathing, so that the fire and brimstone don't violate the Fire Marshall's guidelines and pose a fire hazard," said the press spokesman. "We keep him supplied with Cuban cigars and he seems happy enough."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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