Written by Matt McClurg
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Topics: Death, Washington

Wednesday, 18 May 2005

image for Air Force to Bush: We Want a Death Star
When Just Nuking Someone Isn't Fun Enough

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) After attending a sneak preview of "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith", U.S. Air Force officials were more than inspired by the Lucasfilms' pioneering special effects. They were patriotically urged to revive old ties to the oft-trashed Regan-era "Star Wars" defense plans.

As soon as the private screening was over, Air Force command rushed to contact the White House and seek President Bush's approval on a national security directive that would force the United States into placing offensive and defensive weapons in space.

"We're not calling for a 'Death Star' per se," cited an anonymous senior Air Force administrator. "But we're not rallying against the idea either."

He added that the one thing he learned from his overall interpretation of the "Star Wars" saga was that if the Empire had completed their "Death Star" earlier, the Rebel forces wouldn't have stood a chance.

Adding, "We have to learn from history's mistakes."

When asked whether the Administration was worried about the political backlash that would almost undoubtedly occur from both allies and enemies across the globe, especially in a time where anti-American sentiments are rampant around the world, White House spokesman Scott McClellan replied, "Screw 'em. We beat those Russian Commies; we'll beat them too. If we had a 'Death Star', per se, no one could stop us. Imagine - we'd be even more badass than we are now."

Under President Bush, the U.S. has doubled its investment into a missile defense system to protect Americans from nuclear threats from radical regimes and has increased military research spending by more than 50 percent. The Department of Defense has conducted several tests of a national missile defense and has successfully intercepted and destroyed an incoming missile.

But many feel that this still isn't enough.

In the past few decades, the government has dumped billions of dollars into developing space weapons and trying to concoct plans to deploy those weapons into orbit. Modes of possible weapons transport ideas have ranged from giant slingshots, to air-compression "rail guns", to flying the pieces piggyback on the Space Shuttle.

Astronaut Alan Shepard is recognized as the first to carry a weapon into space - a golf club, which was issued to protect the Apollo 14 crew from any attacks from possible "unfriendlies" while exploring the Moon. Despite international tension, Shepard fired two golf balls, but both failed to hit their target.

"If Alan [Shepard] had been able to drive a ball like John Daly or Tiger Woods, the Cold War would have ended a lot sooner," cited McClellan.

Unfortunately, the result of all this research has been disappointing with the Air Force having only a handful of sub-par computer animations and ideas like "shrapnel shields" to show for the money spent. But none of the officials pressing for new directives to overturn the Clinton Administration's 1996 policies that called for less fantastic measures, were undaunted by these past results.

"Once you see this movie, you'll be aghast at all the amazing technology we don't have," said an Air Force official. "Plus it ties up all the loose ends in the saga. The music is great, the story is awesome, and the special effects will blow your mind. George Lucas is a god!"

The Air Force is decreeing that they are not seeking to "militarize" space, just seeking to open space to the permanent placement of military bases, military weapons, and military personnel.

"This is totally different," said Air Force spokesman Maj. Darren Killjoy. When asked to elaborate, the Major claimed that he had a very important phone call to make and walked quickly from the room.

According to a recent story in the New York Times, a presidential directive is under final review on the issue and a decision is expected within weeks.

The White House has not disclosed details

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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