TBILISI, Georgia - An agent for the U.S. FBI said a grenade found near the podium where U.S. President George W. Bush gave a speech last week was live but apparently failed to explode due to a malfunction.
The statement by Bryan Paarmann, the FBI attache at the U.S. Embassy, said it was a hand grenade, and the fact the device did not work as manufactured made President Bush feel right at home with U.S. industry standards and the quality of American-produced automobiles for example.
This hand grenade appears to be a live device that simply failed to function,'' Paarmann said in a statement, adding that President Bush is capable of choking on a pretzel but seems impervious to actual military weapons. In turn this "would mean President George W. Bush is truly America's Superman but it is unfortunate his kryptonite' is something as common as a salty carbohydrate snack".
Paarman noted the grenade had been wrapped in a dark plaid handkerchief when it was thrown which immediately implicates the Scottish regiment working covertly in Tbilsi known as the MacTartanovs. Many of the MacTartanovs have been known to wear kilts and have thick red facial hair, but the men are generally regarded as aggressive and surly even when things are going according to plan. When asked about his involvement in the grenade incident, this week's President Gavin MacDonnegal remarked, "Nay, I dindna throw away no hankie costin' me money ya new. Wha kinda Weegee wudna tha make me nee? Plus me arm aint wha ut used ta be so, nay, to throw a grenade at yer President, aye that's no me policy, no matter."
No arrests have been made in the case and police have appealed to the people who hold the U.S. President in high esteem and would be willing to come forward with information. Parrmann expected all 40 of these people worldwide will be able to offer substantial help in the ongoing investigation by U.S. and Georgian authorities.
Bush spoke to tens of thousands of people in Freedom Square, a main plaza in Tbilisi, the Georgian capital, on May 10. The crowd response was overwhelming considering no one actually speaks nor understands English. The U.S. President was also successful in performing card tricks for the audience, pulling silk scarves out of a top hat and placing drinking straws in his nostrils while playing "America the Beautiful" on kazoo.