Written by Sharon Diane King
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Wednesday, 22 September 2010

(Via NewAP) Dover, Delaware: GOOP Candidate Christine O'Connell has unleashed a fresh round of controversy with her latest confession that she often played "witch doctor" as a child.

The revelation came in an exclusive, one-on-one interview obtained by the fledgling new media entity NewAP, whose slogan is "There's an us for that."

O'Connell did not shy away from questions posed by the NewAP reporter. She admitted to numerous episodes that involved rounding up neighborhood children in her family garage, tying them up, painting their faces, striking them repeatedly with lilac switches, and shrieking at the presumed evil spirits to come forth-a process that sometimes took hours, even occasional weekends.

"Of course, I always was the witch doctor, never the patient. I wanted to find a cure for all those inner demons, even if it meant a little healthy bloodletting!" O'Connell declared.

O'Connell said it was not true that the practice led to several of the children failing classes because of missed homework.

"They were all there voluntarily. They knew they were cursed and that I could unhex them," she explained over a cup of herbal tea. "What's more important, learning the multiplication tables or gaining your soul?"

O'Connell also rejected the accusation that playing a witch doctor meant being familiar with-or a familiar of-the practice of witchcraft.

"I used to play this all the time with my sisters. It's all very common childish behavior--making potions, wearing charm bracelets, sticking pins in dolls, that sort of thing," she asserted, rubbing a greenish ointment over her arms and legs. "Just like every American kid has a pet unicorn. Couldn't be more typical."

During the interview O'Connell also revealed other games she loved as a child, especially one called "Cave Men and Dinosaurs."

"Just like you read about in the Bible!" she enthused.

O'Connell then cut the interview short, saying that she would be flying out of Dover momentarily.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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