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Thursday, 2 September 2010

image for President Obama: "NOW This Mission Is Accomplished, Bitches."
Obama: I'd hit it.

President Barack Obama, who made the name Hussein cool again, gave his second Oval Office speech in 3 months to mark the scheduled end of U.S. combat operations in Iraq, which should have ended 4,421 American deaths ago.

"But, let us not celebrate this occasion," said Obama, who opened his speech by urinating on the 'Mission Accomplished' banner former President George W. Bush used to torpedo his legacy. "There is still a lot of killing to be done over there,"

Curiously, Obama stated that 50,000 American forces will remain, down from a peak of 176,000.

"Look, we have to make sure these f--kers don't act up again," said Obama. "And, by the way, I am NOT MUSLIM."

When American Presidents speak from the Oval Office, it is a big deal:

Kennedy did it in 1963, when the Russians were giving nukes to Cuba, MLB shortstop capital of the world. "Cuba needs nuclear missles like I need a hole in my head..."

In 1968, Lyndon Johnson said that they'd have to shoot another President for him to run for the office again.

When Nixon gave his famous, "I f--ked up, but the Jews framed me" speech in 1974.

In 1986, when the Challenger space shuttle made an unscheduled stop in the Atlantic Ocean, president Reagan said, "Mr. T, tear down this wall. Wow, did you see that flash? Man, that was bright. Nancy Sinatra's ass smells like Fritos. Where am I?"

When Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Taft, Roosevelt, Wilson, Coolidge, Hoover, FDR, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush II: Bush Strikes Back, and Obama said, "As I speak, American military forces are kicking the sh-t out of (insert The United Kingdom, Indians, The Confederates, Cuba, Puerto Rico, Canada (we wish), The French, The Spainards, Germany, Japan, North Korea, North Vietnam, Nicaragua, Panama, Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, South Central Los Angeles, etc. where appropriate) to protect Democracy and Freedom in our country.

Obama also explained that, while the "war" was over, it really wasn't, well... over.

Did You Know?

I cut this article in half, because it ran over 1,000 words. To that end, please see Barack Obama Dunks on Sen. Lamar Alexander Four Times a Week, and other Barack facts.

"This sh-t is over, without exception," said Obama. "But, I have dispatched additional troops into Afghanistan, but these forces will be in place for a limited time, except that our support for Afghanistan will endure, but troop withdrawals start next year, but they'll be based on certain, but make no mistake we are out of there, but we're still there, but new Mideast peace talks start here Wednesday, but billions of people around the world expect these to be fruitless, but we as a people want to end terrorism, but it will take education, but we'll also need strong foreign support, but our strength and influence overseas is wavering, but we haven't done enough about that, but we soon will, but we've borrowed too much money, but that helped internal growth, but we borrowed from foreigners, but at least we acted quickly, but we did delay decisions, but we spent too much effort on it, but we can turn that around, but deficits too big, but we can fix that on American soil, but the bedrock of that prosperity must be a growing middle class, but..."

"I'm sorry," said Majority Leaders Nancy Pelosi, the embodiment of evil. "I can't listen to him drone on. I f--king tuned ut right after 'My fellow Americans..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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