LYNCHBURG, VA - Prominent Southern Baptist minister, bon vivant and evangelical wunderkind, Jerry Falwell, recently appeared on Fox News recommending that Great Britain should be included on President Bush's "Axis of Evil" list. He also went on to suggest that the language currently referred to as "English", should hence forth only be referred to as "American", so not as confuse God's people with Satan's demon spawn, the "English".
Falwell explained, "It is a well known fact that one of the first and most obvious signs of an alignment with the Prince of Darkness' is a complete and utter disregard for good dental hygiene. One just has to cruise any sleazy English dock side pub to realize that the gap-toothed tart serving you is one of Satan's sad sisterhood of strumpets. If a quick look into the malodorous, gapping, stump invested, maw of the bleary eyed drunk teetering on the barstool beside you doesn't convince you that you are in the presence of pure evil, you are obviously a few wafers shy of salvation".
While wiping a fleck of foam from his chin, Falwell continued, "The bastard hatchlings of Mephistopheles, the British, have been trying to infiltrate land of the free for hundreds of years. Remember the revolutionary war? Who were we fighting and what color was their uniform? What is Lucifer's favorite color? Why else would they wear those ridiculous hats, if not to conceal their horns"?
Waving his finger at his imaginary friend high up in the rigging, he elaborated, "Wasn't it the foul 'Fish and Chippers' that tried to suckle Lucifer with our hard earned money through the demonic institution of taxation? We taught them a lesson back in 1773, when we cast crates of their fiendish brew into the Boston harbor. I say it's time we took them by the bag again and taught those Devil worshipers a lesson they won't so easily forget".
Gazing skyward and absently sniffing his finger, Moral Majority maven Falwell continued, "Wasn't it the degenerate Limeys that tried to lure the fruit of our sinful loins into the abomination that is homosexuality by introducing them to the Teletubbies? What could be more insidious than the having the testosterone of our future leaders drained by the effeminate antics of 'Twinky Winky', a malevolent, purple, purse carrying, sodomite"?
Sliding a thick bundle of unmarked bills across the desk, Falwell added, "The faithful have to be particularly vigilant when it comes to all type of media emanating from the British Isles. We haven't been in such peril since the 1960's, when the 'Fab Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse' channeled their evil dispatch to, hither to, benevolent youth worker and aspiring musician, Charles Manson, in the guise of pop songs on 'The White Album'. The bespeckled leader of Beelzebub's quartet, the Beatles and godless, wanton, tempter of innocent teenage girls, John Lennon, even claimed to be more popular than our lord and savior Jesus Christ. What more proof could you possibly want"?
After neatly placing his crayons back into his Club 700 pencil case, Falwell concluded by shaking his fists and saying, "Just to be safe, I suggest we add the stinky French and the rest of "Old Europe"to the list as well".