Written by Frankie The J
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Thursday, 19 August 2010

image for High Mass "Hi-Jinks" Mar Hog Jaw First Communion Service
Francois Cardinal Dubois, S.J. wears "peculiar" vestments during First Communion service gone awry!

HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- Jesus was always known to have a funny story with which to illustrate His otherwise, insane agenda of Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men (but not to Yankees, faggots, harlots, thieves, communists, Mad Dogs and Englishmen, the French, and especially not to those STD spreading, Tijuana whores Judas hung out with).

But the levity got out of hand at the First Communion Service at Our Lady of the Marsupial Catholic Mission in Hog Jaw, Arkansas when Lusty Ballliquor received the Host offered by (now presumably straight) François Cardinal Dubois, S.J, who, as a lark, stuck it on the head of his penis saying, "The power of Christ compels you!"

"Honey, Christ might have been a cock sucker (check with Jesus-Buddha, his second cousin), but not as good as I am," replied Lusty as she greedily gobbled down both the Eucharistic wafer and the good Cardinal's shlemshaftner.

Well, that is funny every fucking time, but the riot broke out when the assembled congregation realized they were attending a Roman Catholic High Mass.

"Didn't know they was no Catlicks here in Hog Jaw, er we'd burnt them out years ago," said Harley Davidson, Commander of the Knights of Columbus.

"Thet's right," said Slim Pickums, the Vice Commander of the Knights of Columbus. "We wuz soldiers together in Columbus, Georgia (home to Ft. Benning Army Base) and we-uns thought that is whut the Knights of Columbus was all abouts."

"I'm keeping my sword and my feathered hat," vowed Possum Snout Sheriff Betchur Assboy.

The same twelve men hurt in Tuesday's Anger Management Riot were hospitalized again during following this melee.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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