Written by Chief Cheese
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Friday, 8 April 2005

image for Macaulay Culkin Trying Desperately to Escape

Los Angeles-"My life has turned in to a nightmare," said McCauley Culking, a sophomore college student at UCLA. "Ever since this Michael Jackson thing came up, all my friends totally rip on me constantly. When I was a kid, that other kid with the same name was in those stupid ‘Home alone' movies and I used to get beat up about once a day. Finally it ended-or so I thought. Now this crap. God! When will it end!

"People keep trying to Google him and most try using the wrong spelling and they keep finding my phone number and address and I can't change my cell-phone number fast enough. I think I'm going to change my name soon. I thought about ‘Bob Jones' but that's all over the internet too. So now I search on random names and if nothing turns up on Google, then I consider it. So far nothing cool enough though."

The UCLA student is not the only one wishing his name was anything else. MacCaulay Caulkin works as a raw milk truck driver for a large dairy farm outside of Modesto, California. "I got to work the other morning and in my locker I found a big bucket of bag balm. That's the stuff farmers put on cow's teets prior to putting the milking machines on them," he said. "I didn't think too much of it till I heard about that kid with my name and all that clown-punching at ‘Nevereverland'. I had to call in sick for a day but the boss got all pissy with me. When I went in the next day, he called me ‘Spots'. ‘Hey Spots-where's the soap.' At first I didn't get it but then I heard about Michael Jackson again on the radio, I remembered what that was about. I ran up to his little junky office and punched him right in the baby-maker."

"I always thought that ‘Macaulay Culkin' was sort of an odd, unique name," said Ewan McCauly-Culking, a patent attorney practicing in London. "It was sort of charming that his name was so similar to mine, and my friends at that time would poke fun at me in sort of a good natured way. I have a hard time believing that there are that many variations to it. It's amazing how the internet has made it so easy to pinch information about anyone-but now it's gotten ridiculous.

" I will throttle the next person who says anything about it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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