Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Prison, Prison Break

Thursday, 8 July 2010

image for Lindsay Lohan Escape Bid Foiled
One of Danny Velinski's more accomplished efforts

US actress and model Lindsay Lohan, who was handed a 90-day jail sentence for violating her probation in a 2007 drug case, has spent the last 24 hours attempting to put together an escape team to assist her in a bid from the jail - even though her jail term doesn't begin until 20 July.

A judge in California said she had failed to attend court-ordered alcohol education classes.

Lohan, 24, and looking like a million dollars covered in excrement, left the court and immediately tried to contact Steve McQueen, but discovered he was dead. She also tried to raise Roger Bushell, upon whom McQueen's The Great Escape character Virgil Hilts was based, but found that he too had died, back in 1944, and his family could provide little help with regard to escaping.

Next stop was Wentworth Miller who plays Michael Scofield in the TV drama Prison Break, but Miller's wife said that her husband is only an actor, and knew little about real-life prison escapes.

Finally, Lohan rang Bruce Willis, soon to star in a drama in which he is the world's foremost authority on structural security. In the drama, The Tomb, Willis designs escape-proof prisons, but has been framed, and is now incarcerated in a master prison he, himself, designed. Willis listened sympathetically to a tearful Lohan, then said:

"I would suggest something which would involve a trade-off with one of your prettier orifices, but the writer of this story has entered into an agreement with Lady Godiva, in which he has promised not to mention anything vulgar for ONE WEEK." He added, "You're on your own, kid."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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