Tawdry Soup has found the IQ level of iPhone 4 purchasers is directly related to the place in line each person had when the portable phones went on sale, and the figures are surprising.
In the survey, administered as Tawdry Soup walked down the line that snaked around the block from the local Apple electronics store, a field IQ test asked some basic questions such as, "Does Christmas and New Year's Day ever fall in the same year and Who is the President of the United States?" Amazingly, the further down the line the questions were asked the more people answered the questions correctly.
Tawdry Soup decided to dig a little deeper on what could be happening here. Weren't these pimply geeks supposed to be the new generation of whippersnappers going to change the future?
The first young man who exited the store with his new Smartphone, after creating havoc and almost breaking his nose by trying to walk out the in door, was asked what the appeal of this new gadget might be.
He replied "Uhhh, it's the best phone ever. You can taaalk on it if you want and it makes awesome pit-chers. I'm tesking my friend now who's in the store taking pitchers of hot chicks. Hang on."
The young man punched in a text message with his thumbs and pressed the send button. While he was waiting for a reply, his friend walked out of the store excitedly punching in a response, and ran into the guy being interviewed causing them to both drop their new gizmos.
In what can only be described as a blinding flurry of IQ digits, they looked down at their obtuse futures and exclaimed, "ahhhh duuuude," which caused Tawdry Soup to throw up a little bit.
Meanwhile, at the end of the line and bringing up the rear was, you guessed it, Alien Aficionado and Professor Stephen Hawking, who insists the new iPhone will help him chat with aliens easier than that old piece of crap he's been using.