Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 10 June 2010

image for Tony Hayward Smothers a Denver Omelette in Blackstrap Molasses
The faithful corporate whore ate every last bite, too. Wouldn't you?

Tony Hayward sat down to tell some lies over breakfast, then ended up drenching his Denver omelette with thick, black syrup, said a source.

Studies show Hayward's company, Blackwater Petrol, has likely been shoveling bullshit the American public's way at a rate of 25,000 to 30,000 leaky barrels a day, far more than previously estimated, according to an independent group of analysts.

Reviewing misrepresentatives' comments concerning the black geyser at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, the group determined that, if the flow of false statements has been more or less consistent since the April 20 blowout, BP has already made enough of them to fill 1.3 million to 1.5 million barrels. That is roughly five to six times the amount of misinformation leaving Alaskan harbors after the Hex on Valdez disaster in 1989.

Nevertheless, crude estimates indicate this has barely made a dent in corporate bullshit reserves totaling more than 100 billion barrels.

Last month, the government estimated that Blackwater Petrol was talking about 5,000 barrels worth of shit a day. Independent analysts armed with bullshit detectors argued that the amount had to be much, much higher, so national incident commander Admiral Oral Parsons appointed a hair-splitting group to come up with a better estimate.

The group's May 27 report cited its best estimate for the stream of misinformation at 12,000 to 25,000 barrels a day, adding that the stream was "at least" that amount, "because you can never tell. Keep in mind, most of these guys are so full of shit, their eyes are brown."

Since then, the team members have scrutinized other statements released by the company. This enabled the scientists to come up with a more precise estimate of 25,000 to 30,000 barrels, adding that it "could be as low as 20,000 barrels per day or as high as 40,000 barrels a day."

And even more B.S. is on the way. Blackwater Petrol has prepared another statement just off the Gulf coast, and this one is not filled with exaggerations, or even half-truths, but outright lies. That statement could be released any minute, and could nudge official estimates still higher. Plus government officials said any attempt to cut off a BP spokesman in mid-statement would likely mean he'd just shovel it 20 percent faster.

Being able to estimate these flow rates is significant because it gives the government a sense of how to begin cutting through the bullshit. Experienced government officials know that the American news media can only process about 18,000 barrels worth of lies per day. After that, blowing things out of proportion could mean engulfing the public up to its knees in the sticky, black truth.

Retired bullshit artist Fibber McGee, who announced his own much higher estimates early in the crisis, said the news media made basic errors in calculating Blackwater Petrol and its executives' complete lack of integrity.

"As a consequence, we had some bad numbers out there," said McGee. "T'ain't funny, because what people didn't realize is that the superficial lies were hiding even bigger lies below the surface. Plus, they neglected to account for the fact that lots of times, these guys instinctively lie without even thinking about it.

"For instance, I sat down with Tony Hayward to discuss these issues over breakfast just yesterday," he recalled.

"It was the weirdest thing, too. I told him, 'Boy, that Denver omelette sure looks good.' Well, sir, I tell you what, he looked me right in the eye and said very matter-of-factly, 'What are you talking about? I'm having a Belgian waffle! Now, please pass the syrup, if you would be so kind.'

"Look, of course I was suspicious of that 20 percent number. I would be suspicious of any number, any number at all, from anybody who has anything to do with Blackwater Petrol, especially if that number does not have some sort of supporting documentation," McGee said.

"Yes, yes, I couldn't agree more. This gentleman is one hundred percent correct, folks," suggested Tony Hayward helpfully.

Prominent Louisiana nutritionist Charlie Melancon (D) also had a helpful suggestion. He noted that, while unrefined blackstrap molasses is indeed a good source of iron, potassium, magnesium and calcium - even on a Denver omelette - perhaps in Mr. Hayward's case, it might be better to absorb these same minerals directly through his skin from the seabed at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.

Make The San Francisco Onion's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.



Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.




Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 4?

3 13 20 14

Go to top ^