Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Texas, Cowboys, Sodomy

Monday, 7 June 2010

image for Texas Cowpoke Gets Five Years for Sodomy
Cowpoke Tex Tunstle

Following a rash of concerned citizen reports from various locations around the Texas panhandle, 43 year old Timothy "Tex" Tunstle was arrested yesterday in Booker, Texas on three separate counts of cattle sodomy.

While claiming that he was only trying to "put a little gittyup in their stride", Tunstle's job was to move herds of cattle to various locations on the ranch. "Sometimes a few of them won't move at all, so you have to give them a little encouragement. After a little Tex in 'em, they move". Asked why he didn't use a whip or a cattle prod, Tunstle replied, "This is more humane. Once the herd sees the act, all I have to do is grab my crotch and they run. No whip, no cattle prod."

Circuit Court Judge Emily Waterston saw the situation differently and sentenced Tunstle to five years in prison. Other members of Tunstle's crew were brought up on charges as well. Cowpuncher Eugene "Boots" Morse, received eighteen months for assault, and Cowhand Harold "Handy" Turdblossom received six months for handling bull genitals. Lynton "Widebottom" Williams who rode fences for the crew, was luckier in court, receiving only 30 days in jail. "He had a particularly odd way of setting a fence post, and we'll just leave it at that", said Judge Waterston.

Prosecuting attorney Cynthia Q. Mudder addressed the press after sentencing. "These boys clearly had a different perspective on how to 'drive' the herd, but hopefully after a little time in prison, they will see the error of their ways".

In a related story, immediately after indoctrination into county jail, inmate requests for Vaseline increased by 50%. The judge seemed concerned about the connection of the two events commenting, "If we see the cowpoking and fence riding activities continue in jail, it will be solitary confinement for the boys. They'll be reduced to cowhands then."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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