Written by Amethyst Ryder
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Topics: Food, Health, Nazi, nuts

Sunday, 6 June 2010

image for OCD "Food Nazi" claims assaulted at local Trader Joe's
"Whut?"

A regular customer of the local Trader Joe's, known commonly among staff and fellow customers as "the Food Nazi," claimed to have been assaulted by another customer while shopping at the store on Saturday.

"It's an outrage," snapped Holly Sheet, 33, of Comida Buena. "There I was, just minding my own business of educating the public about the horrible hazards in the stuff the stores pass off as food, when suddenly I was attacked by--by--this IDIOT!"

"Whut?" said an employee who was present when the alleged incident allegedly took place.

"Whatever," said a customer who appeared to be looking especially non-idiotic. "Are these corn chips organic? I don't care. Where's the salsa?"

"Aisle seven," said the employee, pointing helpfully towards the condiments.

Sheet is said to be in the habit of persistently interrupting other people's shopping trips with such remarks as, "Vinegar is poison. That salad dressing should be banned," "Excuse me, but you're not really going to feed that to your children?" and "Fruit juice shouldn't be in cookies. Don't they know anything about food combining?"

"Aren't you going to arrest her?" demanded Sheet as the non-idiot sauntered over to aisle seven.

"I didn't see anything," said the manager on duty. "I was too busy reading the ingredient lists to verify that no high-fructose corn syrup was fed to the cows which produce the milk used in our store-label havarti cheese."

"Havarti cheese is just loaded with saturated fats!" shrieked Sheet as she was escorted out of the store for evaluation at the local hospital.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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