Washington DC -- In a rare question and answer news session that purportedly even included some actual, unpaid news media representatives, President Bush was asked about revelations by the Evangelical Christian Times that UN black helicopters and trains, loaded with infidel UN commandoes, were once again active across America with the clear intention not only to establish a new UN governed world secular order but to kidnap millions of evangelical Christians for incarceration on a secret island in the Indian Ocean where they are denied their rights and tortured 24/7 until they are converted to the evil humanism so characteristic of the ungodly European Union's hedonistic elite.
Mr. Bush responded that he had received a briefing from his new National Security Advisor who had been involved in an investigation with his new CIA and Homeland Security chiefs. They had assured him that, based on their vast experience, the allegations were indeed true and even understated; the conspiracy was not just focused on small red state towns and churches as the news report claimed but has also targeted large city apartment building roof tops and even private home patios for helicopter landings and abductions. "The new terrorist threat is 'ubiquitis' and even more dangerous than 'El Aqida'! I advise everyone to leave their homes and find shelter with relatives while my terrorism threat code red continues. My new Bush Endowment funded think tank that defines world evil, the American Idiomediaocrity Enterprise Institute, has now appropriately assigned Mr. Annan to the most wanted list and the UN and its hedonistic supporters to the Axis of Evil. As you can see, there is much to be done in the never ending war on terrorism; but we shall in the end be victorious even if I have to kill em all in my quest for universal Democracy and a benevolent privatization administered by my own trusted friends!"
Mr. Bush went on to say that he had tried to activate the Reserves and the National Guard units but when he called, all he got was machine messages; "apparently no one is home for some reason! They will pay for this dereliction of duty! Not only have I outlawed digital cameras on military bases, I am now outlawing caller ID!"
After the session, the White House Publicity Director, Mr. Fukual, relayed a prime piece of evidence cited by the intelligence services. It appears that there is this super patriot in Kansas City, KS, Mr. Robert VanSpooky who has been on a black helicopter and train watch for many years and he has again reported definitely spying them operating in his neighborhood and in the down town area. "Bob monitors the latest information from every radio shock jock and has been conditioned/trained to the peak of competence in this area of intelligence gathering. You can depend on him to see them!"
He was then asked if this could be the beginning of the soon expected Rapturing. "Indeed it could be and, if so, praise the Lord", said Mr. Fukual! "And do you realize that this would make Mr. Annan the Anti-Christ and the UN soldiers his minions? Ahh! Every good American should thank the lord for our inspired leadership and gladly fund the liberating ammunition."