Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: George W. Bush, Pope

Thursday, 24 February 2005

Still Not Completely Stable:

Pope John Paul II is back in the hospital for a few more days at least; doctors report that while he did suffer a relapse, the Pontiff is feeling better, at least physically. However, they are still worried about the fact that he believes that he is God's Voice on Earth and is a celibate man who worships a Virgin Mother; doctors believe this is a sure sign of dementia.

Sure It's Stupid, But It's Not As Stupid As The Alternative:

Mr. Bush's second term attempt to gut Social Security, which has been a dream of Conservative Republicans ever since Franklin Delano Roosevelt first instituted it as a response to the starvation and homelessness of the Great Depression, is moving along on a strictly bipartisan basis. This magazine, perhaps somewhat surprisingly, endorses Mr. Bush's proposal to fundamentally change the way America cares for it's old and sick citizens even if it is stupid and misguided for the simple reason that if he is stopped in his domestic agenda he may get angry and try to stage a preemptive Liberation against either North Korea, Syria, Iran or Canada.

?Usted Entiende Paz¿:

A national survey recently released shows that Latinos are more likely to oppose the war in Iraq than the general population...in other words, rich white people whose children aren't very likely to be stupid enough to join the Army or National Guard as a means to get ahead in life. In the poll 51% of Latino citizens, which makes up 14% of the American population, believe that the US should pull it's sons and daughters out of Iraq now as opposed to 37% who think that we should stay until the situation is stabilized, as long as the Army uses more Blacks and Anglos to do the dangerous stuff.

Baby You Can Drive My Car:

A Sand Lake, Michigan four year old, obviously fed up with the crappy movies that his local cable provider was offering, stole the family car for a ride to the local video store in the hopes of renting an uncut directors copy of ‘The Passion of Christ II- The Saviors Revenge'. However, when he got to the video store the poor child found it too be closed, so sadly turning around headed back for home again. It was on the ride home that he ran afoul Sgt Jay Osaga of the Sand Lake Police, who noticed that the boy was driving without headlights. After some good natured ramming on the part of the child driver, Sgt. Osaga was able to wrestle the the little brat to the ground and take him home. The child's mother, who admitted that she had taught the boy to drive while sitting on her lap nonetheless denied that it was to drive to the video store, saying instead that the lessons were "so the little shit could pick me up smokes and beers at 7-11".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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