ASPEN - Unable to bear the ignominy of seeing his private telephone number and e-mail address, which he had given to Paris Hilton last year, posted all over the Web, gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson fatally shot himself at his Colorado home on Sunday night. Police said that Thompson, 67, left a 152-page suicide note in which he called Hilton "a king-hell, soul-sucking, cellulite-brained sleazoid on an eye-ball-frying power trip."
"Hunter could be a pretty uptight dude," said Oscar nominee Johnny Depp, who portrayed Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.' I'm gonna miss getting loaded with him. By the way, how the hell did you get this number?"
While the FBI searches for the identity of the hackers who infiltrated Hilton's T-Mobile Sidekick, a trendy cell phone/computer device, gleeful fans and obsessive stalkers are having a field day with the phone numbers and e-mail addresses of the likes of Eminem, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera, Prince Charles, Andy Roddick, Ashlee Simpson, Victoria Gotti, Jerry Falwell, Vin Diesel, Anna Kournikova, Senator Orrin Hatch, and many others who are not used to hearing directly from the people whose lives they affect.
Apparently the rich and famous are not very amused at hearing from those people. Just ask Wanda Vickery.
"I was dying to know if J-Lo was preggers," said Vickery as she smoked a Camel outside a Little Rock, Arkansas, Kmart on her lunch break. "So when I seen her number on the Web, I called her up."
Vickery said she never did find out if Lopez is pregnant, but she will always treasure the memory of hearing Lopez screaming "go screw yourself, you fat ugly troll" at the top of her lungs.
At a convenience store near West Chester, Pennsylvania, night manager Kirk Livingston impressed his friends by turning on the store's speaker phone then calling Lindsay Lohan and saying, "Hey, Linds, this is Kirk. Me and my friends just wanted to know if those are real."
Although fans and obsessive losers are delighted at the news of the Hilton Hack, her celebrity friends are infuriated. "I gave her my number after we shot some home videos in Miami," said one Canadian movie star. "How was I to know she freaking kept it on her cell phone!"
In related news, Kevin Spacey was arrested at a Miami Beach club last night after allegedly rushing into the ladies room, pulling Hilton off a toilet, and punching her in the face.