Written by Phil Maggitti
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Thursday, 17 February 2005

image for Michael Jackson Leaves Hospital in a Huff
"Put me down, Michael. Put me down!"

SANTA MARIA, Calif. - Shortly after dangling a white-and-red teddy bear from his fourth floor hospital room window, Michael Jackson reappeared at the window in a surgical gown and mask, holding a sign that read, "I love more." Then he was gone, a mere thirty-three hours after being admitted to the hospital with a life-threatening flu.

As fans and reporters stood on the sidewalk in front of the Marian Medical Center asking, "More what?" Jackson slipped into a custom-made, four-wheel-drive Cadillac Huff at 5:30 p.m. (Neverland Time) and sped away from the hospital.

"Maybe he was complaining about the room service," said hardcore fan Libby Stubblefield. "I bet they didn't have his Baron Von Redberry cereal."

"Maybe he wanted more towels," said Tiffany Bothers. "Michael likes to wash his hands at least twice an hour."

"Perhaps he meant more young boys," laughed a grizzled reporter, who was immediately set upon by frenzied Jackson fans who tried to smother him with a giant stuffed panda.

While the panda was being led away by police for questioning, an adoring public was left to puzzle over Jackson's cryptic statement. Hospital personnel, meanwhile, were wondering about the identity of the mysterious B. Bird, M.D., who signed Jackson's release form.

"There's no Dr. Bird on our staff," said a hospital spokeswoman. "There's a Dr. B'nai Brith, a Dr. Bayuramadam, and a Dr. Botulism, but we don't have a Dr. Bird."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, an accountant at the hospital said that Jackson had "run up one hell of a bill" as he valiantly fought to escape from the deadly grip of the life-threatening flu, believed to be a mutation of the hominous pedophilius strain.

"He insisted on kosher vegetarian meals for all those damn stuffed animals he brought in with him," said the source. "Then he insisted that anything we did to him, we had to do to the animals first. Have you ever tried to take a stuffed gorilla's temperature with a rectal thermometer?"

The hospital source also revealed that Jackson's room had to be oxygen enhanced with a costly Terrell Owens OxyGenator because traditional breathing tubes kept falling out of Jackson's surgically reconstructed nose.

In related news, a sobbing Coutney Love told reporters yesterday that she is having extreme difficulty coping with the embarrassment of being excluded from Jackson's celebrity witness list, which is now 870 names long.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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