Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Walmart, giant

Wednesday, 14 December 2005

image for WalMart Store Closings Spread
All stores locked up their doors before they even had a chance to have a 'Going Out Of Business Sale!'

TORONTO (AP) A loud noise was heard in Jonquiere, Quebec as the door slammed shut at the local WalMart store. The worldwide retailing giant decided to close the doors to its store rather than give in to demands to unionize the huge discount store. The sound echoed throughout the region causing other WalMart stores to close. One by one, WalMart closed down operations at each store as the news of the Jonquiere closing spread. Fearful of having to pay workers a decent living wage, the corporate giant instead chose to quit doing business rather than start dealing with labor unions. As news of the WalMart stores closing spread across Canada, ordinary people reacted by throwing block parties complete with marching bands, with food provided by little mom and pop stores anxious to once again start serving their communities. Within two hours, 86 WalMart stores had closed.

The ripple effect of the WalMart closings hit the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by noontime and loud cheering could be heard all across the state. The closest a U.S. union has ever come to winning a battle with WalMart was in 2000, at a store in Jacksonville, Texas. In that store, 11 workers -- all members of the store's meatpacking department -- voted to join and be represented by the UFCW.

That effort failed when WalMart eliminated the job of meat cutter companywide, and moved away from in-store meat cutting to stocking only pre-wrapped meat.


http://www.thespoof.com/picstore/thespoof/meatcutter.jpg

But this time, WalMart could not stem the tide. Since there was no way they could eliminate all the minimum wage jobs in their stores, they had to just lock the doors and go out of business.

http://www.thespoof.com/picstore/thespoof/satanic walmart.jpg

All across the mid-west and then extending out to the east, south, and west the store closings continued throughout the day. As each store closed, the celebrations grew and grew. In a few instances, local police had to be called in to keep the peace, but for the most part, Americans all across the land were very happy to see the horrible stores finally closing down. There were a few instances of looting in the WalMart stores around Camden, New Jersey, but other than that things remained calm. By midday, all trading in WalMart stock was halted in New York.

In world developments, thousands of sweatshops in Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Indonesia, Thailand, and Costa Rico closed up shop. Worst hit was China where thousands of factories that produced low quality merchandise for WalMart were closed and the workers were sent back to the fields.

As the sun set on the west coast, the last Walmart store locked its doors. Already many bankers and small businessmen made arrangements to re-open the thousands and thousands of small businesses so that local shoppers would be able to buy the things they needed. There was talk among all the old line shoe manufacturers of re-starting American shoe making and re-introducing the American public to high quality genuine all-leather shoes. Newspapers across the land reported a sudden and steep rise in help wanted ads offering jobs with decent living wages.

On Main Streets all across the land, once boarded up storefronts began springing back to life as five and dime stores, shoe stores, clothing stores, and drug stores moved merchandise back in. Steady streams of shoppers flowed into the once-desolate downtown areas again. Neighbors bumped into one another on the street, smiling and agreeing to have cups of coffee at the luncheonette.

Town council meetings were being held to discuss what to do with the abandoned WalMart properties. Many citizens suggested that the empty WalMart stores be burned to the ground, the parking lots ripped up, and that it all be replaced by trees and playgrounds.

At the Vatican, Pope John Paul II got out of his bed to give his blessing to the WalMart store closings. "This is the best news since the end of communism!"

Tomorrow will be an interesting day on Wall Street as markets re-open and the world reacts to the closing of what was once the world's largest retail operation.


BENTONVILLE, Arkansas Local police are investigating a loud sucking sound that could be heard all over the city. Many residents reported the mysterious sound getting louder and louder as the day passed on. The sound seemed to be coming from the direction of the corporate headquarters of the now beleagured WalMart organization.

Local emergency 9-1-1 operators were being beseiged with reports of hundreds of suicides. It turned out that many of the suicides were in large groups.

Arkansas State Police are having a difficult time controlling the tens of thousands of people converging on Bentonville carrying signs that read, "Death to WalMart!"

Hundreds of angry demonstrators broke into the executive office of WalMart CEO H. Lee Scott. This is what was found near the commode in his private rest room:

http://www.thespoof.com/picstore/thespoof/HardAssTP.jpg

At last we know why WalMart treated
everyone so poorly for so many years!


LATE BREAKING NEWS

OREGON -- Millie was just called back to her well-paying manufacturing job where she was once treated like a real human being. Spoof reporter Morgan Truce asked Millie what it's been like for the past ten years. "That WalMart management treated me like dirt -- as if I were just human debris. Good riddance Walmart! I'm glad all your stores closed."


http://www.thespoof.com/picstore/thespoof/atomic4.jpg

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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