A conglomerate of Wall Street firms has announced today that they are purchasing the US Federal Prison System. The surprise announcement came as news surfaced that there were possible criminal investigations going on that would implicate many top Wall Street executives.
The press release that emanated from a Wall Street executive stated that the move was strictly a business decision and a profit making venture. "Not so," says an investigative reporter from the Wall Street Journal.
Internal memos and emails leaked to the WSJ indicate that the executives at various firms fear a "perp walk" and a prison sentence. Among the plans being made in secret are a series of mansions ranging from ten to twenty bedrooms, with formal gardens, swimming pools, individual heliports, and full-time staff of prison inmates from the regular prison population. Every facility will have an eighteen- hole championship golf course. One email stated, "I hope I get North Carolina where that putz Bernie Madoff is serving his sentence. I'd like to get him as a chauffer or maybe a butler. That little gonif brought it all down on us and he was like gambling for match sticks for God's sakes! He wasn't even a player!"
Plans not revealed by the firms but uncovered by the WSJ reporter from internal emails, is that the companies plan to hold the prisons for the time the executives are incarcerated and then package them as derivatives and sell them to the countries of North Korea, China, Cuba, and Kazakhstan.
The memo stated, "by the time we cut all of the fat out of these prisons, like yard time, visiting privileges, weight rooms, and fancy dining, these other countries will jump at the chance to get this profitable little piece of Americana."
One executive, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, it doesn't bother me. The house is as big as mine and my bonus over the next several years will be the biggest ever. By the time I get my share of the take from the running of the prisons and my profits from the final sale of the prisons to North Korea, or whoever, I will make more money than I have made in my entire life. It's a win/win!"
In other breaking news, Congressman John Boehner of Ohio has announced that he would not travel to the state of Arizona until his tan wears off.