Washington, D.C.: President Obama sheepishly apologized today for his incessant attacks on Wall Street over the first 15 months of his presidency. Claiming that he often mixes up the inanimate objects he likes to blame for our nation's troubles, Obama revealed that he actually meant to blame Sesame Street, not Wall Street, for the Country's financial problems.
"Just recently I was intending to blame the Bush Administration for a rainy day," the President reported, "but I inadvertently blamed Corporate America instead. That's the problem with assigning blame to amorphous, but politically expedient scapegoats. They don't have a spokesman to respond to such charges, or a big house with a pretty podium like I have, or ...well, consciousness."
As for Sesame Street, the President clearly was irritated by what he described as shoddy management and an overwhelming sense of entitlement and greed.
"Now, I don't know if any of you have been down to Sesame Street lately," he bellowed during his 111th speech this week, "but it's a mess! Consider this a warning, Sesame Street. Either you clean up your act, or my puppet czar will clean it up for you. And you won't like my puppet czar."
When it was later pointed out to the President at a White House News Conference that the previously beloved Sesame Street characters are muppets and not puppets, he bristled. "Muppets. Puppets. What's the difference? You're missing the point."
When asked what the point is, the President said sharply, "That depends on the question."
"What question?" inquired one of several visibly confused reporters.
"Exactly," replied the President; a response that caused multiple members of the White House press corps to spontaneously combust.
Sesame Street, for its part, took issue with the President's depiction of them as an out-of-touch and greed-ridden make-believe neighborhood. Ruth Haberdasher, Vice President of Media Relations for Sesame Street, noted that her employer recently had decided to rename the Cookie Monster the 'Monster who loves cookies but is totally willing to share'.
"Moreover," she said, "in an effort to be more compassionate and less socially insensitive, particularly to the exceedingly tall, Big Bird will now be known as 'Big, but not abnormally so, Bird'."
"We're trying," pleaded Haberdasher, "but nobody knows who's in charge here. We think it's the muppets, but it might just be a computer, or the pseudo-intellectual hippies who hang out at the espresso machine in Mr. Hooper's Store. Either them or the ACLU. I heard somebody say that. Or maybe they said it was vegans... yeah, vegans."
"Or maybe it was cretins "