At a press briefing today, Professor Ferbert T. Weededom, renowned astrophysicist and part-time anthropologist, and Nubile Prize-winning environmentalist Felicia T. Weedledee, Ph.D, announced the results of their much anticipated genetic research into early primate DNA.
"Our study results demonstrate clearly that early hominid consorted with several other species of primate, chiefly orangutan, but occasionally cuter species such as chimpanzee, and even the occasional mountain gorilla; that is, they had sexual relations with those animals," said Tweedledom with an uncomfortable degree of unscholarly relish. "Population pressures often confronted many primate species with difficult sexual choices in order to survive and reproduce. It's not like they could just go to the local espresso shop to meet girls."
"I am enormously excited," bubbled the otherwise studiously attractive Dr. Tweedledee, "to announce that we can now trace modern-day human DNA to a point in time three and a half million years ago, on a Tuesday, when a small band of our ancestors hunting in the jungle of what is now present-day Texas first realized that their primate brethren could provide much more than a mere food source. Indeed, at that time in what is now present-day Texas, many people looked a lot like orangutans anyway."
"Now," interrupted Professor Weedledom, jarring those in the press room who had a pulse from their drooling appreciation of the major points of Dr. Tweedledee's argument, "given that current research has demonstrated that orangutans manifest a largely conservative, religiously didactic society which tends to throw a lot of feces around and fervently oppose universal healthcare, we would have been blind not to see the striking similarity to some of the ultra right-wing Republicans screaming about the halls of Congress these days. And sure enough, we've found unmistakable traces of orangutan DNA in viritually every Republican we've been able to capture thus far."
"Moreover," blurted the voluptuously nubile Nubile Prize-winning Felicia T. Weedledee, "I personally conducted an in-depth informal survey of several intoxicated Tea Party-goers in the Tiki Room at the local Ramada Inn the other night. And nine of the ten men I flirted with said if they couldn't have sex with me, they'd just as soon screw an orangutan. The other guy said he was already married to a mountain gorilla. At that moment I knew, not merely intuitively but scientifically, that our American political landscape had been preordained by a seemingly trivial dalliance on a hot summer's day those many eons ago, in the jungle of what is now present-day Texas."
Publication of Professor Tweedledom and Dr. Tweedledee's formal scientific paper, "Who Has Rush Limbaugh Been Monkeying Around With?" is expected in time for the run-up to the 2012 American presidential election.