WASHINGTON - During a break in the dancing at last night's Executioner's Ball, President George W. Bush told a group of Texas supporters he was beginning to suspect "a definite left-wing bias" in the way his administration is covered by the satirical press. Although Bush confessed he is not computer-literate, "There are people working for me who are," he claimed, "and from what they tell me I can't get a break from satire writers on the Internet. They're out to make fun of everything I do and to mock the Christian values this country is built on. I haven't heard of one positive thing that's ever been written about me in the satirical press."
Mr. Bush also questioned the accuracy of his satirical critics. "I've got to wonder where they get their information," he mused, looking more simian than usual. "It's like they think they can just make stuff up. I guess they never heard of fact checkers."
The president, who was wearing $10,000 Tony Lama Endangered Species boots, seemed particularly annoyed about recent coverage of Miss Beazley, the ten-week-old Scottish terrier puppy he gave to his wife, Laura, for her birthday. "I didn't think it was funny to say that I chose a young puppy because an older one would be smarter than I am. What kind of message does that send to terrorists?"
Another burr under the president's back patch is the criticism of his confusion over Sri Lanka. "I did not say it was up near Nantucket like one newz' source reported. Besides, they've got a nerve criticizing me when they can't even spell news' correctly."
When one of his supporters, a dowager with a diamond-encrusted hump on her back, asked if there wasn't "something you can do about these left-wing [m]aggots," the president said he was looking into it. "I'm told there's somebody named Google who's planning to take over the Internet and read everybody's e-mail soon. When he does, I'll offer him a cabinet post. Then those newz' sights won't be able to say anything about me that isn't favorable. If they do, Google will send his Web trawlers out to intercept them."
In related newz, Senator John Kerry has called a press conference to explain what he thought he meant when he voted against the nomination of Condoleeza Rice for secretary of state and how what he thought he meant might differ from what he actually meant.