Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: Congress, Washington

Saturday, 6 August 2005

image for Bush Announces Shutdown of Land Grant Universities

Washington, DC. - In a speech before the Republican Congress on Friday, George Bush announce the first in a series of drastic steps to cut the skyrocketing national deficit. He announced that federal funding of all land-grant universities in the country will be permanently halted starting in May of this year.

Republican Congressional leaders applauded his efforts, saying they were delighted that he is finally starting to take serious steps to trim the deficit. The national debt has skyrocketed to over $7 trillion in recent years, due to the cost of fighting the War on Terrorism, causing international investors to doubt the future of American government bonds, and bringing fears that the US might have to default on its debt.

The halt to Federal funding of universities, is expected to be followed by slashes in State funding, as most state governments are deeply in debt, and have no choice but to cut programs.

Bush explained that most of the research being done at these universities is redundant, as it is already being done in other countries. When asked why corporations could not increase their funding of university research he explained..."err...well, of course, they are already increasing their funding for research, but it is more cost-effective to pay highly educated, and trained scientists overseas for $200 per month, than some of these lazy, fat socialist American university professors, and their pot-smoking research assistants"

"American universities have become breeding grounds for socialism and decadence. These students sit around drinking coffee and reading books, when they could be working, and contributing to the economy. The students are unsupervised and end up making irresponsible choices. They go out partying at night, drinking beer, and watching Hollywood movies. They waste tax-payers dollars by enrolling in courses in Existentialism and decadadent languages like French and Italian. In these times of austerity we cannot allow our Youth to follow such a path to ruin.

When asked what America's role in the world will be, if we abandon our commitment to higher education, Bush smiled assuringly. America still leads the world in one industry. We have a spectacularly powerful military industry, with technological weoponry that far surpasses any on the planet. We can go anywhere and destroy anybody. We now control, or will soon control all of the oil in the world. So we will have a tremendous responsibility to insure its safe distribution to Democracies around the world.

Bush also presented figures showing that his economic recovery is steadily adding new jobs to the economy. 80% of the new jobs are for airport or border luggage inspectors, and prison guards.

Bush assured the Congressmen that all the beautiful and costly university buildings being abandoned, would not fall into disrepair. The university campuses are being annexed by The Department of Homeland Security, with various complexes in each building to be used for ROTC programs and training programs in the sciences of high-tech surveillance, and weapons production.

"We have a tremendous responsibility to use our military might to ensure the spread of Democracy throughout the world!", Bush told the cheering crowd.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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