Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Money, Washington

Friday, 31 December 2004

image for Red Cross:  Tsunami Windfall !
"Donating cash is fun!"

WASHINGTON DC (AP) The tsunami disaster in Asia is bringing relief to the professional staff at the American Red Cross. Money is pouring in to the Red Cross in amounts not seen since the wonderful days following September 11, 2001. "We got a lot of bad press because of 9/11. The American Red Cross came in for a lot of criticism for pocketing much of the money we collected for the 9/11 victims. We announced plans to divert nearly half of the $550 million we collected to fund our own internal priorities: $109 million on telecommunications and databases and $55 million on community outreach and administrative costs."

The Red Cross is hoping that ordinary Americans forget all that old stuff and give generously once again now that there's this new tsunami thing happening in Asia. "Last year we paid our American Red Cross CEO Harold Decker $1,324,324 in compensation----and, guess what---he wants even more money this year! Everyone likes Harold, so we are hoping that a lot of tsunami money comes pouring in so we can keep him around. Good CEO's don't come cheaply. We still have a lot of ‘administrative costs' to take care of like limousines, lavish offices, banquets, day care, exotic vacations, and health spa treatments---and that just for our secretarial staff! We don't like to talk about our executive compensation programs… people took it all wrong when word got out about Harold Decker's compensation."

The Red Cross learned a lesson or two about "blood drives' following the 9/11 disaster. It collected so much blood in the month after 9/11, most Americans were feeling dizzy and feint. "It turned out we didn't really need much blood for 9/11---most of the victims were already dead. Transfusing them would have been a waste, but we thought it was a good idea to keep on asking the public to give blood. It's a good thing most of them never found out that we wound up dumping the stuff.

The Red Cross is glad to hear that people are no longer bringing in old cans of soup (with expired dates) and clothing. We never could figure out what to do with that stuff. We don't eat canned soup---our caterers provide us with delightful gourmet meals every day. And that used clothingÂ… what were they thinking? "Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing any of that crappy stuff," said one Red Cross worker. It's much better now that the general public seems to have gotten the word that CASH is the best thing to donate. We can always use cash. It's very handy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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