Reading from a carefully prepared script, Tiger Woods announced today that he is a now a homosexual.

"This will prevent me from having any more affairs with trashy women, and help get me back to the serious business of golf," the world's lustiest linksman declared. "Heterosexuality was not really my bag, and I was disappointed in the quality of women I was able to get as a hetero."

Woods says he picked an all-male golf club for his return to the sport partly as an attempt to score some high-class, good-looking gay guys who share his love of golf.

"I can see same-sex marriage in my future if I move to the right state after dumping Elin," Woods enthused.

It was the golfer's first public statement since hiring former White House spokesman Ari Fleisher to handle his public relations.

Fleisher still insists there are weapons of mass destruction hidden in Iraq.