Written by Chuck Terzella
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Sunday, 12 December 2004

image for Dick Cheney to Retire: John McCain to be New Veep
"I Think I'm Gonna be Sick"

True to the deal that was struck before the Republican Convention, Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney is poised to retire. It will be remembered that just after the election Mr. Cheney entered the hospital complaining of mild chest discomfort. This was the opening step in a deal that will make Arizona Senator John McCain Mr. Bush's Vice President during his Administrations second term.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Look, both you and I know that if Dick (Dick) Cheney tries to serve out a full second term then he's gonna be impeached over the Haliburton thing, the Valerie Plame CIA outing thing, the Enron Energy Task Force thing...well, you get the point. He's got to get the hell out and everyone knows it, but we couldn't dump his ass before the election and look weak. So we came up with a deal.

Speaking on the condition of even more anonymity Waterhouse continued, " It all began when John Kerry was trying to get McCain to run as his Vice President. That whacko McCain is just crazy enough to have gone for it so we brought him in. It works this way: Dick (Dick) Cheney retires after the second inauguration but during the first year due to "health problems". Bush nominates McCain to be Veep. Republicans and Democrats will sweep him in...after all, compared to Dick (Dick) Cheney, John McCain looks like Mahatma Gandhi, Albert Einstein and the Lone Ranger all rolled into one. This gives John three years to get ready for the next election.

"Dick (Dick) Cheney gets indicted for whatever boils up first, Plame, Haliburton, it doesn't matter. As a private citizen Bush can Pardon him. In return for the number two spot McCain supported Bush for the second term, showing the Blue States that there were some sane people who liked the President...not to mention someone who actually served his country and among Republicans that's pretty hard to find. Did you realize that Dennis Hastert, Tom Delay, Rudi Giuliani, George Pataki, Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, Paul Wolfowitz, Rick Santorum, even Jeb never served a day in their lives. Finding a Republican War Hero is like finding an ‘I Love Arafat' button in a Tel Aviv Synagogue.

Finally, speaking on the condition of tons and tons of anonymity Waterhouse finished, "So that's the plan...Dick (Dick) Cheney stays out of jail, John McCain gets the nod in '08, Bush looks almost like a reasonable human being and without an indictment Halliburton may just manage to make two or three billion more before the next election."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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