Written by Thinctanc
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Saturday, 6 March 2010

image for Online Dating typo led to torture session claims CIA lover
"Never on a first date," advises Gerald Smarts of the CIA.

An unfortunate typing error led to an Ohio woman enduring an hour-long ordeal of torture by a man she met online. The man, Gerald Smarts, who claims to work for the CIA, said that he thought it was what she wanted.

The woman, who asked not to be named Susan, was 34 year old Belinda Derbish. She is now being looked after by her family and is not yet able to talk of the incident, which occurred a month ago. Her sister, Blodwin, explains what went wrong. "She doesn't directly blame Mr. Smarts, but he should've twigged a little quicker that she wasn't happy. When she was filling out the online dating form, she wanted to put 'water skiing and snowboarding' under interests, but there wasn't enough room. She tried to shorten it and accidentally left it as 'waterboarding'."

Defending his hour-long torture of Miss Derbish by waterboarding, Smarts explained, "I am a perfect gentleman. What the lady asks for, the lady gets. I said to her as I began that there would be a secret code she could say at any point to signal for me stop. The code was 'Zippy's moved to Mississippi, now George and Bungle both are hippies'. She never said it, so I carried on."

Blodwin Derbish refutes this version of events. "My sister begged and screamed for him to stop, and even yelled his stupid code words over and over, but he kept on until she passed out."

Asked to explain why he didn't stop, Smarts stated that she hadn't said the code words. "She did shout 'Zippy's moved to Mississippi, now George and Bungle are both hippies' several times but she said 'are both' whereas the code has 'both are' in it. They aren't the same. After she passed out I was forced to stop. I couldn't go on like that... my arms were in agony from all those jugs of water."

Asked what the future held, Smarts said, "This was just one of those silly first date misunderstandings. I sure do hope we can meet up again. I didn't really get to see the lady properly without her being upside down and drenched in water."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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