Written by Chuck Terzella
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Saturday, 27 November 2004

image for Porter Goss's CIA: Some Growing Pains
Don't Tell A Soul, But We're Idiots

The newly revamped and re-staffed Central Intelligence Agency under President George W. Bush's new Chief Porter Goss has begun to release some of it's latest findings. Among some of the more ominous predictions made by the spy agency are: Adolph Hitler is beginning to represent a clear and gathering threat to the stability of Europe and North Africa and that the Soviet Union may be close to developing an Atomic Bomb.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Everyone said that (Porter) Goss couldn't get the job done, but this new intelligence shows that the CIA is now on track to start delivering some real and highly accurate hard intelligence. In addition to the bombshells about Hitler and the USSR, Goss is warning us that instability in Iran may lead to the toppling of the Shah, the creation of a Jewish State in the Middle East might result in Arab opposition and perhaps most ominously, John F. Kennedy may be the target of an assassination attempt. At this very moment we have a full staff trying to contact the Kennedy family to warn them but no one in the Agency seems to know where to find any of them."

While the transformation of the CIA into an arm of the Bush Administration seems to be proceeding smoothly, there have of course been some hiccoughs. Some newer Agents hired by Goss from the Mississippi Department of Public Works managed, after several hours of trying, to break into an unlocked Secret Agent Stuff storage closet. After some good natured hilarity with the false mustaches and wigs, tragedy ensued. One Agent managed to stab himself in the foot using an umbrella with a poisoned ferrule and another blinded himself with the flash of an amazing small spy camera designed to look like a much larger camera that can fool your friends and family.

One new operative in the Middle East Language Department, who refused to be interviewed without wearing a Groucho Marx false nose and glasses even though no photo's were being taken said, " Ali be braised, we will infiltrate the Fidel's secret organizations and...wait, are we the Fidel's or are they? I can never get that right."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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