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Thursday, 11 November 2004

image for Ashcroft Resigns Over Alleged Racial Remark
Ashcroft Resigns, Will Pursue Career in Rap

Attorney General John Ashcroft has resigned from the President's Cabinet Tuesday amid whirling controversy surrounding his alleged use of the name "Kunta Kinte" to address Secretary of State Colin Powell.

One of the main proponents of the USA Patriot Act, the 62-year old Ashcroft was heard while in an argument with the African-American Powell, reportedly saying,
"I don't care about your peace mission, Kunta Kinte. All I want is to make sure that my house doesn't get bombed by some hobo terrorist."

Kunta Kinte refers to the central figure in the 1976 book "Roots", by Alex Haley. Kunta Kinte was a 17-year old boy taken from his native Africa to become a slave in colonial America, and was one of Haley's ancestors.

Powell declined to comment to the press on the matter, but mumbled something about going up to the Oval Office to talk to the President and have a nice cry.

Ashcroft left later for a "top-secret meeting" in southern Louisiana. He was last heard mumbling about how "stains never come out of these stupid robes."


A Man Despised

Ashcroft was frequently a target of Democrats throughout the nation for his ironclad policies and support of heightened police powers at the expense of privacy. He had been frequently labeled a "racist" by many, and one journalist even went so far to conjecture that he provided funding and supplies, not to mention dry-cleaning for those hard to clean robes, to members of the KKK.

President Bush later gave a press conference addressing the issue, the wire for his direct link to Senior Advisor Karl Rove easily visible.

When asked whether or not Ashcroft would face disciplinary action, Bush responded with a rather unintelligible murmur that showcased all of his linguistic skills.

"We…I…We…believe that Mr. Ash…Johncroft…John Ashcroft is not a…rapist, butt lather a muddled man who was looking for a way to release…his…egg sac…curse."

Our expert team of voice analyzers decoded the original message from Rove as resembling," We believe that John Ashcroft is not a racist, but rather a troubled man who was looking for a way to release his anger."

Later collecting himself, he added that, "This was not only an affront to black men everywhere, but also to all other ethnic groups, whether Asian, Arab, Native American, or Hispano. It hurts us all."

When asked to clarify what he meant by "Hispano", Bush turned it over to Secretary of Defense Condelezza Rice, who promptly explained how a "Hispano" was a type of anti-terrorism soft drink given to workers in the Pentagon.

The White House staff did not comment on Bush's multiple verbal blunders, instead focusing on how the sky is overtly partisan for being blue.

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